never mind...

Yuk!

2007-08-05T19:55:00.000-05:00

I'd say it was a blunder!

Priceless headline - Part 1...

2007-08-03T10:08:00.000-05:00

The employees have our support...

It must be a Florida thing...

2007-07-31T16:35:00.000-05:00

Police: Wrong-Way Driver Wildly Spit At Good Samaritans, Paramedics

A driver who crashed while traveling the wrong way down an Orange County road Tuesday was taken into custody after he attacked and began wildly spitting on everyone trying to help him, according to officers.

Just read the story and come up with your own punchline...

2007-07-31T16:32:00.000-05:00

A Pensacola man was critically injured after he fell out of a vehicle while trying to spit.

Who needs pickup lines?

2007-07-30T13:46:00.000-05:00

Welcome to CustomReceipts.com. We print the finest fake ATM receipts available, with your custom information on them.

Tired of being used as a drink-dispenser? Maybe if you were rich you’d have more luck.

Ever wanted people to think you’re rich? Just casually let them see your massive bank balance on one of our fake ATM receipts, with your name right on it.

Trying to impress that hottie at the bar? Money talks. Hand out your number on the back of one of our fake ATM receipts. They’re a players dream come true.

This week's proof that Darwin was wrong...

2007-07-11T09:18:00.000-05:00

Police: Driver arrested after he pulls over detective on LI

July 11, 2007, 8:30 AM EDT

BOHEMIA, N.Y. (AP) _ A driver posing as a police officer tried to pull off a bogus traffic stop, but he ran into trouble when the other motorist turned out to be a real off-duty detective, police said.

Yes, and so's this...

2007-03-29T14:46:00.000-05:00

What's with this new Lorena Bobbit trend?

Yes, this is unfortunate...

2007-03-29T14:45:00.001-05:00

First weapons, now socks...

2007-03-29T14:30:00.000-05:00

Teen suspended for wearing wrong socks
Thursday, March 22, 2007

Imagine these socks have Winnie the Pooh on the sideA teenager is suing a school that suspended her for wearing Winnie the Pooh socks.

Redwood School in Napa, Calfornia, threw 14-yearold Toni Kay Scott out of lessons, saying she violated its dress code with the hosiery, a denim skirt and a shirt which 'was not a solid colour'.

The American Civil Liberties Union is fighting her case.

And still another one...

2007-03-22T20:19:00.000-05:00

...from our favorite starlet.

And of course...

2007-03-22T20:15:00.000-05:00

...no video review would be complete without this fright film.

Sleazy advertising lawyer...

2007-03-22T20:11:00.000-05:00

...in my favorite movie.

It's all in the name (Part II)...

2007-03-14T15:13:00.001-05:00

Man's best friend...

Makes sense to me...

2007-03-14T12:11:00.000-05:00

For the senior citizen on your gift list.

A real American hero...

2007-02-28T18:58:00.000-06:00

Lt. Col. Bruce Crandall

The Puffington Host...

2007-02-28T18:49:00.000-06:00

...obsesses over Haliburton and Cheney. Someday, one can only hope that the morons will get tired of it...

Lunch, anyone?

2007-02-25T12:03:00.001-06:00

For those who can't decide...

Are you kidding me? I think it had to do with eight children...

2007-02-07T12:57:00.000-06:00

Woman on the wrong bus lost for 25 years

Feb 07 12:53 PM US/Eastern

BANGKOK, Feb. 7 (UPI) -- A woman who boarded the wrong bus on an attempted shopping trip from Thailand to Malaysia has returned home after 25 years.

Jaeyana Beuraheng told her eight children she accidentally boarded a bus bound for Bangkok instead of Malaysia, and once there she boarded a second incorrect bus because she could not read or speak Thai or English, The Times of London reported Wednesday.

Have some James Taranto, please...

2007-01-27T09:57:00.000-06:00

First in War, First in Peace, First in Sensitivity Training
"Washington Enters Therapy After Gay Slur"--headline, Journal Gazette (Fort Wayne, Ind.), Jan. 25

'We Can Work It Out, We Can Work It Out'
"Song in Beijing to Boost Mood for Nuke Talks"--headline, Korea Times, Jan. 25

'He Didn't Tell Me My Finger Was Loaded!'
"Lawyers Point Fingers in Fatal Shooting"--headline, Denver Post, Jan. 25

They Can Put a Man on the Moon, but . . .
"Scientists Can't Get Sloth to Move"--headline, Associated Press, Jan. 24

Our Guess: Gravity
"Garner Tells How Ring Fell Into a Drain"--headline, Associated Press, Jan. 24

Or Maybe Not
"Future of Pfizer Plant Could Be Good or Bad"--headline, Ann Arbor (Mich.) News, Jan. 24

News You Can Use

"NEW JERSEY: Don't Eat the Squirrels, State Warns"--headline, Courier News (Bridgewater, N.J.), Jan. 25

"Never Give an Iguana Viagra"--headline, Reuters, Jan. 25

Bottom Stories of the Day

"Boy, 6, Abruptly Leaves School Without Coat"--headline, KMBC-TV Web site (Kansas City), Jan. 23

"Police Won't Use $140 Million Radio System"--headline, New York Times, Jan. 25

"School District Wants Its Money"--headline, Chicago Sun-Times, Jan. 25

"Sarandon Bored by Bush's Iraq Pitch"--headline, Associated Press, Jan. 24

"Cheney: Hillary Wouldn't Make Good President"--headline, NewsMax.com, Jan. 24

It's 10 o'clock. Do you know where your parrot is?

2007-01-25T17:18:00.000-06:00

Man arrested for smuggling 500 parrots in a car

Tue Jan 23, 8:21 AM ET

ALMATY, Jan 23 (Reuters Life!) - Kazakh border guards arrested a man trying to smuggle 500 parrots in his car from neighbouring Uzbekistan, media reported on Tuesday.

"Border guards discovered a live cargo of 500 parrots in his car," Kazakhstan Today news agency quoted a KNB security service official as saying.

Dumbest Dumber Move of the Week...

2007-01-25T14:00:00.000-06:00

SA hijacker 'armed with inhaler'

BBC News

A man accused of trying to hijack a plane flying from Botswana to South Africa was only armed with an asthma inhaler and lip balm, SABC radio says.

He allegedly tried to force his way into the cockpit of the Air Botswana plane and threatened to detonate a bomb he said he was carrying.

Police spokesman Vish Naidoo said the would-be hijacker was "armed with two items but they posed no real threat."

Dumbest Move of the Week...so far

2007-01-24T15:48:00.000-06:00

Aliens ask wrong people in van about work
By Natasha Altamirano
THE WASHINGTON TIMES
January 24, 2007

BALTIMORE -- Federal agents taking a break from an unrelated assignment yesterday arrested 24 illegal aliens at a Fells Point 7-Eleven after the men attempted to solicit "underground" employment from the agents.

Taranto headlines...

2007-01-18T09:24:00.000-06:00

'You've Been Robbed'
"Crime Victims Need Notification"--headline, Paris (Texas) News, Jan. 16

Rowdiness? At a Hockey Game?
"Police Probe Rowdiness at Hockey Game"--headline, Boston Globe, Jan. 17

That Makes Him a Sad Panda
"Male Panda Said Too Fat to Have Sex"--headline, Associated Press, Jan. 16

We'd Forgotten How Bad Thought Was
"Amnesia Is Worse Than Thought"--headline, United Press International, Jan. 16

Bottom Stories of the Day:

"Wisconsin Firefighters Rescue Cat"--headline, Firehouse.com, Jan. 17

"Jackson Takes No Action on Measure to End Nuisances"--headline, Huntsvlile (Ala.) Times, Jan. 12

"Iranian Leaders Speak Out Against US"--headline, Financial Times, Jan. 15

The hope of audacity...

2007-01-16T10:33:00.000-06:00

Experienced need not apply...

Obama takes first step in White House bid

By Christi Parsons
Chicago Tribune
Washington Bureau
Published January 16, 2007, 9:37 AM CST

Perhaps it was to keep the Big Bad Wolf out...

2007-01-12T11:23:00.000-06:00

Three Pigs Trigger Fire in Rural Serbia
Jan 10, 8:56 PM EST

BELGRADE, Serbia (AP) -- A farmer's home in northern Serbia was destroyed in a blaze caused by three pigs that broke out of their pen, walked into the living room and knocked over the TV, police said Wednesday.

The television tube burst, starting a fire that spread through the house late Monday in Temerin, 50 miles, northwest of Belgrade, local police said.

No people were hurt, but the pigs perished.

The farmer was out at the time, police said.

Some headlines from James Taranto...

2007-01-08T20:59:00.000-06:00

News You Can Use

"Dodging Traffic a Risky Undertaking"--headline, Argus Leader (Sioux Falls, S.D.), Jan. 6

"Losing Job Will Make It Hard to Pay Off Mortgages"--headline, Daily Herald (suburban Chicago), Jan. 7

Bottom Stories of the Day

"Chirac Blasts U.S.-Led Invasion of Iraq"--headline, Associated Press, Jan. 5

"Barrymore Wants Everybody to Lighten Up"--headline, Associated Press, Jan. 5

"Artist Hopes to Float Giant Banana Over Texas"--headline, Associated Press, Jan. 7

"Democrats Consider Raising Taxes"--headline, Star Tribune (Minneapolis), Jan. 7

"Canadian Actors Strike Set to Take Effect"--headline, Reuters/Hollywood Reporter, Jan. 8

"Dog Bite Victim Won't Need Shots"--headline, WCAX-TV Web site (Burlington, Vt.), Jan. 7

Headline time...from James Taranto...

2007-01-04T17:15:00.000-06:00

That's Not the Sort of Thing You Forget
"Justice Appointed by Ford Remembers the Late President"--headline, ABCNews.com, Jan. 2

They Still Blow Up When You Step on Them
"U.S. Mines Still Not Safe Enough, Experts Say"--headline, MSNBC.com, Jan. 2

Very Cold, 100% Chance of Darkness
"Scientist Works to Predict Space Weather"--headline, Associated Press, Jan. 2

This Just In
"Binge Drinking Rampant Among College Students"--headline, HealthDay.com, Jan. 2

News You Can Use:

"Programmers to Blame for Hard-to-Use Software"--headline, Reuters, Jan. 2

"In Kidnapping, Finesse Works Best"--headline, Reuters, Jan. 1

Bottom Stories of the Day:

"Roofer Moves From Toronto to Indy"--headline, Indianapolis Star, Jan. 2

"Unidentified Goat Found"--headline, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, Jan. 2

"Straw Goat Survives Christmas Unharmed"--headline, Associated Press, Jan. 2

"Doherty and Moss 'Not Married' "--headline, Courier-Mail (Queensland, Australia), Jan. 3

The winner of the December 2006 "Keen Sense of the Obvious Award" is...

2007-01-02T13:37:00.000-06:00

...Villa Park Police Detective Ed Zorich:

Trailer full of broccoli disappears
Thu Dec 28, 3:13 PM ET

VILLA PARK, Ill. - Someone got way more than the recommended daily serving of vegetables when a refrigerated trailer loaded with $50,000 worth of broccoli was stolen.

The 48-foot trailer disappeared from its rented parking space in the Chicago suburb of Villa Park sometime between Sunday and Tuesday morning, police said.

Detective Ed Zorich said the thief was probably after the trailer, not the vegetables.

Man's best friend...

2006-12-31T21:26:00.000-06:00

Thirsty man sells beagle to buy beer
Fri Dec 29, 8:06 AM ET

BERLIN (Reuters) - A thirsty German sold his 6-year-old step-daughter's pet beagle to the owner of a bar to pay for beer, the Bild newspaper reported Friday.

Moe Howard could've used one of these on Curly and Larry...

2006-12-30T16:33:00.000-06:00

...if he'd had a computer.

Holiday greetings and some James Taranto headlines...

2006-12-30T10:02:00.000-06:00

In Search of New Worlds to Surrender To
"Planet-Hunting Satellite to Be Launched Today by French Agency"--headline, Bloomberg, Dec. 27

'I Shoulda Carried My Own Bag!'
"Porter Blamed for Missing Body"--headline, Times (Munster, Ind.), Dec. 27

Unless There's a Mind Reader Around
"Microsoft's Vista Not as Secure as Thought"--headline, San Jose Mercury News, Dec. 27

What Other Species Do Our Emails Protect?
"Protecting Polar Bears: Your E-Mails"--headline, CNN.com, Dec. 28

Why Move the Whole Country if We Can Just Send Some Emails?
"U.S. Moves to Protect Polar Bears"--headline, CBSNews.com, Dec. 27

News You Can Use
"Holidays a Time to Stay Safe"--headline, Leader-Herald (Gloversville, N.Y.), Dec. 29

Bottom Stories of the Day:

"John Doe Hearing Staying Secret"--headline, Milwaukee Journal Sentinel, Dec. 26

"Branson Has No Plans to Build Bahrain Spaceport, Spokesman Says"--headline, Bloomberg, Dec. 28

"John Edwards Runs Again for the Presidency"--headline, MSNBC.com, Dec. 28

"CBS Doesn't Air Special Report on Ford"--headline, Associated Press, Dec. 27

"Jesse Jackson Says Saddam Shouldn't Be Executed"--headline, Associated Press, Dec. 29

Well, it's about time...

2006-12-23T11:35:00.000-06:00

Think Tank Will Promote Thinking

By Marc Kaufman
Washington Post Staff Writer
Wednesday, November 15, 2006; Page A19

It's all in the name...

2006-12-21T15:58:00.000-06:00

Just check it out...

Just one more thing to worry about in Wisconsin...

2006-12-21T12:40:00.000-06:00

Goat causes havoc on Highway 41

Gannett Wisconsin Newspapers
December 21, 2006

TOWN OF LOMIRA — A wayward goat caused mayhem on Highway 41 early this morning as motorists swerved to avoid hitting the animal.

The Dodge County Sheriff's Department dispatch center began fielding calls from motorists around 3:30 a.m. reporting a goat running on the shoulder of Highway 41 near Highway 67.

Officers found the goat in the tall grass adjacent to the busy thoroughfare, but they said the animal was "wild" and officers were unable to catch it.

Some James Taranto headlines...

2006-12-20T16:27:00.000-06:00

What Would We Do Without Crash Tests?
"Smaller Cars Perform Poorly in Crash Test"--headline, Associated Press, Dec. 19

They're Tired of Rooting for the Arizona Cardinals
"Vatican Mulls Fielding Football Team"--headline, Agence France-Presse, Dec. 18

Let's See . . . Wings?
"One Key to Bird Flight Discovered"--headline, LiveScience.com, Dec. 18

Smart Kidnappers, Foolish Choices
"Suspected Smart Kidnapper Yells at Judge"--headline, Associated Press, Dec. 18

Fitch Walks Free
"Abercrombie Gets 15 Months"--headline, Sarasota (Fla.) Herald-Tribune, Dec. 18

Bottom Stories of the Day:

"Actress Enters Drug Rehab Program"--headline, Associated Press, Dec. 19

"City Doesn't Act on Rezoning"--headline, Herald Times (Manitowoc, Wis.), Dec. 19

"Sean Penn: Impeach George W. Bush, Dick Cheney"--headline, FoxNews.com, Dec. 19

"France Beats a Retreat"--headline, Chicago Sun-Times, Dec. 18

Think so?

2006-12-17T18:53:00.000-06:00

E. Coli Could Hurt Taco Bell Sales
Taco Bell faced with potential fallout from E. coli outbreak

LOS ANGELES, Dec. 8, 2006
By ALEX VEIGA AP Business Writer

I couldn't agree more...

2006-12-16T18:30:00.000-06:00

Pilots Should Confirm Runway is Correct, Say Safety Officials

December 15, 2006 - AP

Some of us are upset over high taxes, but...

2006-12-10T19:48:00.000-06:00

Man rams Portland Police, upset about NOT being pulled over

A new way to shop...

2006-12-09T18:53:00.000-06:00

Watch this unusual roller coaster ride...

Thanks to The Raw Feed...

What's a Christmas tree without a gun ornament...

2006-12-09T16:48:00.000-06:00

"Bust a cap in your tree with this super glittery ornament in the shape of a handgun, complete with a satin ribbon for hanging."

Ho, ho, ho...

Time for more useful useless USB devices...

2006-12-09T16:35:00.000-06:00

We try to bring you these from time to time in case you still have an used USB port...

Here's one from a year ago...

Check this bad boy out at Gizmodo...

2006-12-05T20:35:00.000-06:00

A knife-gun combo. Awesome, dude...

I don't write 'em, I just report 'em...

2006-12-05T20:26:00.000-06:00

Flatulence, not turbulence forces plane landing in Nashville
By Samuel Shu, The Tennessean
Last Updated: 12/5/2006 3:07:10 PM

Flatulence brought 99 passengers on an American Airlines flight to an unscheduled visit to Nashville early Monday morning.

American Flight 1053, from Washington Reagan National Airport and bound for Dallas/Fort Worth, made an emergency landing here after passengers reported smelling struck matches, said Lynne Lowrance, a spokeswoman for the Nashville International Airport Authority.

Just a few from James Taranto...

2006-11-30T11:56:00.000-06:00

No Wonder We Can't Figure Out What They're Saying
"Humpback Whale Vocabulary More Elaborate Than Thought"--headline, LiveScience.com, Nov. 27

Our Guess Is He Didn't Do It Afterward
"Man May Have Killed Cellmate Before Killing Self, Officials Say"--headline, Associated Press, Nov. 29

The Report Found That . . . Oh, Look! A Squirrel!
"ADHD Study Results Are Released"--headline, United Press International, Nov. 29

So Who's Going to Fly the Planes?
"American Opposes Pilots on China Flights"--headline, Associated Press, Nov. 29

Bottom Stories of the Day:

"Student Studies in D.C."--headline, Acorn (Agoura Hills, Calif.), Nov. 30

"Swans Not Starving, Say Experts"--headline, South Tyneside (England) Today, Nov. 29

"Woman Sees Spider After Eating Grapes"--headline, Associated Press, Nov. 29

"Situation in Baghdad Disheartens Kulongoski"--headline, Oregonian, Nov. 30

"Kerry Says It's Time to Move On"--headline, Associated Press, Nov. 29

Should be required reading for America's spoiled journalists...

2006-11-29T11:34:00.000-06:00

Michelle Malkin's November 22 thoughts include this gem:

Give thanks we live in America, land of the free, home of the brave, where the media's elite journalists can leak top-secret information with impunity, win Pulitzer Prizes, cash in on lucrative book deals, routinely insult their readership and viewership, broadcast enemy propaganda, turn a blind eye to the victims of jihad, and cast themselves as oppressed victims on six-figure salaries.

God bless the U.S.A.

A new way to get someone's goat...

2006-11-29T10:32:00.000-06:00

Note Lt. Karst's keen sense of the obvious in the last paragraph...

Man accused of spray-painting 3 goats
Tue Nov 28, 10:26 PM ET - AP

MAHOPAC, N.Y. - A man broke into a barn on Thanksgiving morning, spray-painted three pet goats and scattered pages of pornographic magazines on the floor, apparently to harass the property owner, police said Tuesday.

Drew Gagnon, 37, of Mahopac, was arrested the next day and was charged with burglary, criminal trespass and animal cruelty, said Lt. Brian Karst, of the Carmel police force, which covers Mahopac. The man who drove Gagnon to the barn, Douglas Bisio, 34, of Mahopac, was charged with criminal facilitation, police said.

"Obviously it's not an occurrence you see every day," Karst said. "I think it was a situation where this harassment got out of hand."

You have to be kidding me...

2006-11-29T10:16:00.000-06:00

Judge: Make Bills Recognizable to Blind
Nov 28 6:10 PM US/Eastern
By MATT APUZZO
Associated Press Writer

WASHINGTON

The government discriminates against blind people by printing money that all looks and feels the same, a federal judge said Tuesday in a ruling that could change the face of American currency.

U.S. District Judge James Robertson ordered the Treasury Department to come up with ways for the blind to tell bills apart. He said he wouldn't tell officials how to fix the problem, but he ordered them to begin working on it.

Let's just do Bottom Stories today...

2006-11-29T10:12:00.000-06:00

From James Taranto...

Bottom Stories of the Day:

"Wash. Ski Resorts Welcome Snow"--headline, Associated Press, Nov. 24

" 'I Hate This Job,' Says Dallas Fast-Food Worker"--headline, Dallas Morning News, Nov. 26

"Marriage Amendment Shouldn't Affect Hmong"--headline, Wausau (Wis.) Daily Herald, Nov. 27

"No New Information Found in Yeshiva Paint-Ball Attack"--headline, Asbury Park (N.J.) Press, Nov. 28

"Plans for ABBA Museum Unveiled in Sweden"--headline, Associated Press, Nov. 28

"Utah Stays the Course"--headline, Salt Lake City Tribune, Nov. 27

"Jimmy Carter Urges Canada to Press Israel"--headline, Canadian Press, Nov. 27

An annual favorite...

2006-11-28T11:54:00.000-06:00

We always enjoy this one, especially since Dave is no longer writing a column...

DAVE BARRY ANNUAL GIFT GUIDE

Last year, we picked up on one of Dave's suggestions...

A dose of James Taranto today...

2006-11-27T16:23:00.000-06:00

Don't Tell His Wife
"Husband Mourns Slain N.J. Prostitute"--headline, Associated Press, Nov. 25

'Hey, I Know You! You're the Brat Who Dialed 911!'
"Five-Year-Old Recognized for Dialing 911"--headline, Kalona (Iowa) News, Nov. 21

The Studio in Fairbanks Was Closed
"Arctic Gull Recorded in Southern Calif."--headline, Associated Press, Nov. 24

Fond Thanksgiving Memories
"Ohio Firm Recalls Turkey and Ham"--headline, Reuters, Nov. 24

Stripes Were Fashionable Last Year
"Testicle Checks 'Now More Common' "--headline, BBC.co.uk, Nov. 26

News You Can Use:

"Don't Rake Leaves to Clog Storm Drains"--headline, Asbury Park (N.J.) Press, Nov. 25

"Cheer Up: You Hold Key to Being Happy"--headline, Seattle Times, Nov. 27

Bottom Stories of the Day:

"AWOL Soldier Says Army Ignoring Him"--headline, Associated Press, Nov. 25

"Phil Donahue Makes Anti-War Film"--headline, FoxNews.com, Nov. 27

"Protester Immolation Virtually Unnoticed"--headline, Associated Press, Nov. 26

"Yoko Ono Calls for World Peace"--headline, News.com.au, Nov. 27

Ya think?

2006-11-25T19:55:00.000-06:00

As Power Shifts in New Congress, Pork May Linger

By DAVID D. KIRKPATRICK
Published: November 26, 2006

They should change the name to "Cheesypeake"

2006-11-25T08:46:00.000-06:00

I picked up on this story from Randy Cassingham's "This is True." Read it to see how one city is competing for this year's Sleaziest Municipal Government Award...

Chesapeake sells chesapeake.com name for $120,000

By MIKE GRUSS, The Virginian-Pilot
© October 26, 2006

Shocking news....

2006-11-22T17:05:00.000-06:00

New security flaw for Firefox and IE
By CNET News.com Staff
Published: November 22, 2006 2:03 PM PST

Great James Taranto headlines...

2006-11-21T10:35:00.000-06:00

Don't Ask, Don't Tell
"Gender-Bending Boy Fruit Flies Fight Like Girls"--headline, Reuters, Nov. 19

McCain: More Troops Need to Die for a Failed Policy

"McCain Says U.S. Troops Dying for 'Failed Policy' in Iraq"--headline, Bloomberg, Nov. 19

"McCain Says More Troops Needed in Iraq"--headline, Associated Press, Nov. 19

Now There's a Shocker--I
"Mitt Romney Tops 2008 Poll in Utah"--headline, NewsMax.com, Nov. 19

Now There's a Shocker--II
"Bush's Nominees for Judgeships to Be Conservative"--headline, Washington Times, Nov. 18

What Would We Do Without Scientists?
"Scientists Find Genetic Differences Between Humans, Chimps"--headline, Daily Californian (University of California, Berkeley), Nov. 17

What Would We Do Without Fire Officials?
"Fire Officials Warn Deep-Fried Turkey Can Be Delicious, but Dangerous"--headline, Associated Press, Nov. 18

More Often Than Once?
"Elderly Dying From Falls More Often"--headline, Associated Press, Nov. 16

France May Finally Get a Leader
"Frenchwoman May Be First to Lead France"--headline, Associated Press, Nov. 17

That's a Lot of Dead Yachts
"Woman Convicted of 2 Counts of Murder in 2004 Yacht Killings"--headline, Daily Breeze (Torrance, Calif.), Nov. 18

Bottom Stories of the Day:

* "Canadian Retailers Divided Over O.J. Simpson Book"--headline, CBC.ca, Nov. 17

* "West Richland Bond Fan Has Been Grabbing Up All Things 007 for 25 Years"--headline, Tri-City Herald (Kennewick, Wash.), Nov. 17

* "Pedestrian and Driver Get Into a Parking Tiff at Bayshore"--headline, Milwaukee Journal Sentinel, Nov. 18

* "Hans Blix to Serve on Ski Ethics Panel"--headline, Associated Press, Nov. 20

Candidate for "Product of the Year"...

2006-11-21T10:11:00.000-06:00

What a hoot!

Some headlines from James Taranto...

2006-11-17T20:03:00.000-06:00

So a Guy Walks Into a Bar and Gets Shot
"Authorities Seek Gunman After Victim Shot by Bar"--headline, Times (Trenton, N.J.), Nov. 15

Or at Least Draw a Mustache on It
"Senators Urged to Add Teeth to FDA Bill"--headline, Associated Press, Nov. 16

It Doesn't Get a Lot of Repeat Business, Though
"Youth Suicide Program Works: Study"--headline, Australian, Nov. 17

This Seems an Odd Pick
"Civil Rights Institute to Honor Cotton"--headline, Birmingham (Ala.) News, Nov. 17

News You Can Use
"Careful Where You Choose to Consummate Your Love"--headline, FoxNews.com, Nov. 16

Bottom Stories of the Day:

"Ricky Martin Not Joining Adoption Craze"--headline, United Press International, Nov. 16

"Area Avoids Tornado"--headline, Times (Trenton, N.J.), Nov. 17

"Library Says It Hasn't Received Patriot Act Requests"--headline, Daily Princetonian (Princeton University), Nov. 17

Life as a cliché...

2006-11-10T00:32:00.000-06:00

November 03, 2006 04:06 pm

Cliché Day: When 1,000 words is worth a picture (or story)

Eddie Glenn
Tahlequah Daily Press

Every dog has his day.

And evidently, so does every minuscule detail of modern society, including the cliché.

Not to beat around the bush about it; we’ll just come right out and tell you that, as hard as this fact may be to swallow, today is National Cliché Day.

Really, we’re not just yanking your chain. We wouldn’t pull your leg about something as serious as National Cliché Day.

In fact, the Daily Press has left no stone unturned to keep you up to date on this special day. Being in the business of piecing together words and phrases – and buying ink by the barrel – this is a day after our own hearts. Plus, writing about such important events is all in a day’s work around here.

But we’re not all talk and no action. We beat the streets to find some folks to speak their minds about National Cliché Day – to air their dirty laundry, so to speak.
“National Cliché Day?” asked Andy Jenson, before laughing so hard one would’ve thought that just the idea of a day dedicated to clichés was funnier than a barrel of monkeys. “Well, if that ain’t the cat’s meow!”

Jenson doesn’t have a “favorite” cliché, but there are a few he’d just as soon never hear again.

“I always hated the one, ‘robbing Peter to pay Paul,’” he said, followed by a few moments of awkward silence as everyone present tried to figure out what it is about that particular cliché that sticks in Jenson’s craw.

“What’s the matter, cat got your tongue?” he asked.

Marcus Jones has a least-favorite cliché, too – one he says he heard quite often this past summer.

“‘It’s not the heat, it’s the humidity,’” Jones recited. “No kidding? The humidity? Hot is hot, it doesn’t matter what’s causing it. I don’t feel a damn bit cooler just because I’ve been informed by some meteorological genius that it’s the humidity making me hot, not the heat.”

Jones added however, that one cliché has always been a bit confusing for him.

“Is it ‘I could care less,’ or ‘I couldn’t care less’?” he asked, although he conceded that he could (or couldn’t) care less about the answer: He’d accept whichever ones means “less concern.”

“Because if you could care less, that means you’ve still got some concern about whatever, but if you couldn’t care less, you’ve already hit rock bottom, as far as concern is concerned.”

(For those who actually do care about such things, the appropriate phrase is “I couldn’t care less.”)

American Heritage Dictionary defines a cliché as “a trite expression or idea.” It defines “trite” as “overused and commonplace; lacking interest or originality.”
So there you have it: Clear as mud. But is lack of interest or originality really such a bad thing?

The Web site findarticles.com actually has suggestions for school teachers on how to celebrate National Cliché Day in their classrooms. (Honest, they do! We’re not trying to pull the wool over your eyes here.)

The site suggests sponsoring a rap contest with a prize for the rapper who most cleverly incorporates clichés into a rap song.

The most cleverly used clichés?

Now that’s original. Only it isn’t. It all gets so confusing.

“I like clichés,” said Kelly Wood, who said one of his favorite songs is a Bruce Springsteen tune with lyrics that feature cliché after cliché, including, “every cloud has a silver lining,” “the early bird gets the worm,” “a winner never quits and a quitter never wins,” “and Rome wasn’t built in a day.”

“Cliches are kind of like a common artistic language we all understand,” said Wood. “They’re overused for a reason: They work, and they tend to be true. Rome really wasn’t built in a day.”

And there you have it: the long and the short of clichés. And hopefully, by the time National Cliché Day is over, a good time will have been had by all.

A better mouse trap?

2006-11-07T17:00:00.000-06:00

Jet-lagged mice die young, U.S. study finds
Mon Nov 6, 5:01 PM ET

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - Jet-lagged mice die younger, researchers said on Monday in a study that suggests that working unusual shifts and flying back and forth across time zones takes a permanent toll on health.

Tests on more than 100 mice showed that old mice forced to live on a confusing schedules of light and darkness, simulating rotating shifts or international travel, died sooner than those on gentler schedules.

High crimes and misdemeanors...

2006-11-07T16:56:00.000-06:00

Lawsuit: N.M. police ate pot burgers
Tue Nov 7, 12:36 AM ET - AP

ALBUQUERQUE - Two police officers have sued Burger King Corp., claiming they were served hamburgers that had been sprinkled with marijuana.

The lawsuit says Mark Landavazo and Henry Gabaldon, officers for the Isleta Pueblo tribal police, were in uniform and riding in a marked patrol car when they bought meals at the drive-through lane Oct. 8 of a Burger King restaurant in Los Lunas, N.M.

The officers ate about half of their burgers before discovering marijuana on the meat, the lawsuit said. They used a field test kit to confirm the substance was pot, then went to a hospital for medical evaluations.

"It gives a whole new meaning to the word 'Whopper,'" the officers' attorney, Sam Bregman, said Monday. "The idea that these hoodlums would put marijuana into a hamburger and therefore attempt to impair law enforcement officers trying to do their jobs is outrageous."

Three Burger King employees were arrested and charged with possession of marijuana and aggravated battery on an officer, a felony. They later were indicted.

Time for Taranto...

2006-11-07T16:52:00.000-06:00

Um, Maybe to Stay Alive?
"Wansnik Wants to Find Out Why We Eat"--headline, Pantagraph (Bloomington, Ill.), Nov. 5

You Don't Say
"Silent Plane Would Cut Airport Noise"--headline, CNN.com, Nov. 6

Bottom Stories of the Day:

"No Iranian Newspaper Publishes Cartoon"--headline, Associated Press, Nov. 2

"NY Times Endorses No Republicans for U.S. Congress"--headline, Reuters, Nov. 5

"UN Criticizes Saddam Hussein's Death Penalty"--headline, Jerusalem Post, Nov. 5

"EU President Finland Says Saddam Should Not Hang"--headline, Reuters, Nov. 5

Terrorist tot detected. World a safer place...

2006-11-06T12:03:00.000-06:00

Toddler gets travel ban, arrest warrant: paper
Mon Nov 6, 2006 8:18 AM ET

DUBAI (Reuters) - A two-year-old boy was briefly banned from boarding a Turkey-bound flight in the United Arab Emirates after his name appeared on a list of wanted suspects, a newspaper reported Saturday.

Emirates Today said the boy's passport details, including the date of birth, matched those in an arrest warrant. The reason for the mix-up was not known.

"While going through the passport checking procedures to get on board, one of the officers on duty said they wanted to take Suhail," Emirates Today quoted the boy's father, Abdullah Mohamed Saleh, as saying.

"I thought he was kidding me and said 'Take him if you want'," he said. "He showed me a print-out of a document that said Suhail was wanted and there was an arrest warrant for him."

Officials said they would investigate the incident, the paper reported.

No lawn is complete without this...

2006-11-05T19:52:00.000-06:00

SQUATTING GNOME

Nature's calling!

Be the envy of your neighbors. Classic 7x7" Plastic Garden Gnome in a rather interesting pose. Perfect for the garden. You could even use it to liven up your office cube!

From Argus Hamilton...

2006-11-05T14:04:00.000-06:00

National Association of Evangelicals leader Reverend Ted Haggard was accused Thursday of paying for sex with a man in Colorado Springs for three years. He quickly denied the charge. If it's true he could get two to forty years in Congress.

Hillary Clinton campaigned for re-election in New York Thursday with a giant lead in the polls. Photographs of the senator onstage show her wearing a cross around her neck. Republicans may roll their eyes over it, but it keeps John Kerry in his casket.

Darwin Awards...

2006-11-05T12:06:00.000-06:00

Here are ~~this~~ some other year's Darwin Awards -- the annual honor given to the person who improved the gene pool the most by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. As always, competition this year has been keen. And the candidates ~~this~~ whatever year that was are:

MICHIGAN... In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

CALIFORNIA... A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran," accidentally jogged off a 100-foot-high cliff on his daily run.

NORTH CAROLINA... Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beach-goers said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach on the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

CALIFORNIA... Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

DELAWARE... Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in Selbyville, Del, as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

HONORABLE MENTION:

NEW JERSEY... Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, NJ, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, when a quarter-stick of dynamite blew up in their car. While driving around 2 AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but apparently failed to notice the window was closed.

RUNNER UP:

WASHINGTON... Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of the cable was secured around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy river water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen.

"All I can say" said Bingham, "is that God was watching out for me on that night. There's just no other explanation for it." Bingham's foot was never located.

AND THE WINNER:

FROM G-E-R-M-A-N-Y .. is.... Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn, Germany) fed his constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally let it fly, and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop! Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him. "The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him" said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. "With no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves that shit happens!"

And speaking of USB devices...

2006-11-03T11:09:00.000-06:00

You gotta check out the English language skills of the guy who wrote the description of this:

"Time of the child, the world of of the micro which was seen with class of the science. You became the adult, now, it doesn't try looking the world of the micro? The Dino Digital microscope, with USB connection and is seen with TV connection, it is the digital microscope! Connecting to the being able to connect, television with the personal computer, just a little you saw to be, mono putting, if it adjusts focus, the world of of the micro which appears in the large picture! Rolling to the side of the desk, you just look at the ? label paper, the fiber being visible, well enough it is the surprise! ! Not to be the meaning which it tries looking, because it indicates in the screen of the personal computer and the large screen of the television, while enjoying with everyone, it probably will enjoy science, how, how is?"

A few from James Taranto...

2006-11-03T11:00:00.000-06:00

This Just In
"Kerry Is Not as Smart as He Thinks"--headline, Daily Telegraph (London), Nov. 2

About Time They Hired Someone to Clean Up This Mess
"Woman May Be City's First Trash Collector"--headline, Journal Times (Racine, Wis.), Nov. 1

Tennis, Anyone?
"Too Much English on Net, Warns Expert"--headline, Australian, Nov. 2

News You Can Use
"Clubbing With Bat Causes Major Head Injuries"--headline, San Diego Union Tribune, Nov. 1

Bottom Stories of the Day:

"Many Ginseng-Based Cold Remedy Claims Unproven, Expert Says"--headline, CBC.ca, Nov. 1

"Two Grandparents Voting Opposite"--headline, Herald Times Reporter (Manitowoc, Wis.), Nov. 2

"Anna Nicole Smith Had Pain in Her Side"--headline, Associated Press, Nov. 1

"No Mud Flung in Race for House in Vt."--headline, Associated Press, Nov. 2

Another useful useless USB device...

2006-11-02T16:54:00.000-06:00

Just in time for the holiday season:

You gotta love our troops...they're a lot funnier than John Kerry!

2006-11-02T11:21:00.000-06:00

Just so you don't forget what the moron said...

2006-11-01T20:31:00.000-06:00

John Kerry (at Pasadena City College on October 30, 2006):

"You know, education--if you make the most of it, you study hard, you do your homework, and you make an effort to be smart, uh, you can do well. If you don't, you get stuck in Iraq."

Guess that's why he reported for duty (for a brief period to shoot the wounded) in Vietnam. He didn't do his homework...

I've heard of being fried on coke, but fried Coke???

2006-10-29T12:38:00.000-06:00

Because we don't already have enough fried foods...

Fri Oct 27, 8:34 AM ET

NEW YORK, Oct 26 (Reuters Life!) - A new fast food is making its debut at U.S. fairs this fall -- fried Coke.

Abel Gonzales, 36, a computer analyst from Dallas, tried about 15 different varieties before coming up with his perfect recipe -- a batter mix made with Coca-Cola syrup, a drizzle of strawberry syrup, and some strawberries.

Balls of the batter are then deep-fried, ending up like ping-pong ball sized doughnuts which are then served in a cup, topped with Coca-Cola syrup, whipped cream, cinnamon sugar and a cherry on the top.

"It tastes great," said Sue Gooding, a spokeswoman for the State Fair of Texas where Gonzales' fried Coke made its debut this fall. "It was a huge success."

James Taranto's headlines...

2006-10-29T12:35:00.000-06:00

What Would We Do Without Experts?
"Modern Buildings Are Complex--Experts"--headline, Tide (Port Harcourt, Nigeria), Oct. 27

What Would We Forgo Without Mental Health Experts?
"Forgo 'Psycho' Killers, Mental Health Experts Say"--headline, Portsmouth (N.H.) Herald, Oct. 26

What Would We Do Without UCF Professors?
"UCF Professor Says No Such Thing as Ghosts"--headline, WDBO-AM Web site (Orlando, Fla.), Oct. 26

Do Police Chases Normally Cheer People Up?
"Police Chase Depressed Driver"--headline, Indianapolis Star, Oct. 27

Bottom Stories of the Day:

"Fire Breaks Out at Salt Lake Crematorium"--headline, KTVX-TV Web site (Salt Lake City), Oct. 25

"Vegetarians Happy With IU Dining Halls"--headline, Indianapolis Star, Oct. 27

"Canada Post to Review 800,000 Rural Mailboxes"--headline, CBC.ca, Oct. 27

"LA Times Editor Says He Considered Resigning After Publisher's Ouster"--headline, MSNBC.com, Oct. 2

"Look what I've done..."

2006-10-17T17:14:00.000-05:00

Wynn accidentally damages Picasso

Pablo Picasso's "dream" painting has turned into a $139 million nightmare for Steve Wynn.

In an accident witnessed by a group that included Barbara Walters and screenwriters Nora Ephron and Nicholas Pileggi, Wynn accidentally poked a hole in Picasso's 74-year-old painting, "Le Reve," French for "The Dream."

A day earlier, Wynn had finalized a record $139 million deal for the painting of Picasso's mistress, Wynn told The New Yorker magazine

The accident occurred as a gesturing Wynn, who suffers from retinitis pigmentosa, an eye disease that affects peripheral vision, struck the painting with his right elbow, leaving a hole the size of a silver dollar in the left forearm of Marie-Theresa Walter, Picasso's 21-year-old mistress.

"Oh shit, look what I've done," Wynn said, according to Ephron, who gave her account in a blog published on Monday.

Wynn paid $48.4 million for the Picasso in 1997 and had agreed to sell it to art collector Steven Cohen. The $139 million would have been $4 million higher than the previous high for a work of art, according to The New Yorker.

Time for some James Taranto newspaper headlines...

2006-10-13T09:59:00.000-05:00

Things Not to Do if You're a Duck
"Ducks to Test Coyotes' Toughness"--headline, East Valley Tribune (Mesa, Ariz.), Oct. 7

After Dispatching the Yankees, They're Negotiating From Strength
"Tigers Agree to Resume Peace Talks"--headline, CNN.com, Oct. 10

Why Do You Think They Call It Dogma?
"Pets Gaining Recognition in Places of Worship"--headline, National Geographic News. Oct. 6

Isn't the Real News That They Found Atlantis?
"Tiny Hole Found in Atlantis"--headline, Toronto Daily News, Oct. 6

When He Loses a Suit, He Loses a Suit!
"Prosecutor Naked at Work"--headline, Enquirer (Cincinnati), Oct. 10

Bridge Supports
"Bras Will Span Susquehanna River"--headline, Daily Item (Sunbury, Pa.), Oct. 8

Those Were Some Fiiine Leaves
"Foxy Lettuce Recalled"--headline, Toronto Sun, Oct. 9

'Take a Deep Breath and Think. What Were You Doing When You Saw It Last?'
"FDA Urges Calm Over Lettuce Recall"--headline, HealthDay.com, Oct. 9

At Least It Boiled
"Firefighters: Unwatched Pot Started Abbeville Fire"--headline, WYFF-TV Web site (Greenville, S.C.), Oct. 8

Thanks for the Tip!--CX
"Health Tip: Protect Your Lips"--headline, HealthDay.com, Oct. 11

Bottom Stories of the Day:

"Sisters who seldom see each other end up in same room"--subheadline, Lubbock (Texas) Avalanche-Journal, Oct. 10

"Apex Fire Has Little Effect on Duke Community"--headline, Duke Chronicle, Oct. 11

"Remedial Classes Not Leading Many to College Degrees"--headline, Columbus Dispatch, Oct. 10

"2nd Man Not Arrested in Oct. 2 Beating"--headline, Newark (Ohio) Advocate, Oct. 11

"The Balloon Fiesta Is the Largest Portable Toilet Event in the State"--headline, Albuquerque Tribune, Oct. 7

"Instructor Who Doubts 9/11 Compares Bush to Hitler"--headline, Associated Press, Oct. 11

Taranto today...or maybe it was yesterday...

2006-10-10T20:45:00.000-05:00

An Anxious Nation Holds Its Breath
"Kerry's Barnstorming Sparks Talk of a Run"--headline, Boston Globe, Oct. 9

What Would We Expect Without Experts?
"Expert Says to Expect the Unexpected"--headline, Toledo Blade, Oct. 8

What Would Men Do Without Experts?
"Experts: Men Have Body Image Worries Too"--headline, Associated Press, Oct. 6

'I'll Call You, or Maybe I Won't'
"T-Mobile to Launch Mixed-Signal Phone"--headline, Associated Press, Oct. 6

We Blame San Andreas
"Underground Movement Catches On in Napa"--headline, Associated Press, Oct. 7

Thanks for the Tip!--CIX
"Health Tip: Alcohol and Many Medications Don't Mix"--headline, HealthDay.com, Oct. 9

Bottom Stories of the Day:

"Climate Change Risk to Leek Shows"--headline, BBC Web site, Oct. 5

"Olbermann News Commentaries Target Bush"--headline, Associated Press, Oct. 8

"Kerry Vows Tougher Stance on Group That Questioned War Service"--headline, Associated Press, Oct. 8

"Lesbian Couple Weds in Massachusetts"--headline, Associated Press, Oct. 8

Headline goodies from James Taranto...

2006-10-08T19:24:00.000-05:00

News You Can Use

"Court Says Nude Dancing, Booze Don't Mix"--headline, Chicago Tribune, Oct. 6

"Crocs Can Pose a Danger on Escalators"--headline, ABCNews.com, Oct. 5

"Be Advised, Hemorrhoid Cream Not for the Face"--headline, MSNBC.com, Oct. 5

Bottom Stories of the Day

"Lawyer: Client Didn't Deliberately Starve Cows"--headline, Naples (Fla.) News, Oct. 6

"Longoria Hurts Ribs on 'Housewives' Set"--headline, Associated Press, Oct. 5

"Actress Sienna Miller Slights Pittsburgh"--headline, Associated Press, Oct. 6

Why didn't the roommate feed them?

2006-10-02T15:03:00.000-05:00

Woman Arrested For Hamster Neglect

October 2, 2006 - AP

JANESVILLE, Wis. -- Police arrested a woman for neglecting hamsters at her home after her roommate called authorities, police said Sunday.

Sgt. Rick Larson said police arrested the 23-year-old on 39 counts each of two charges: failing to provide food and drink and failing to provide proper shelter to animals.

The Rock County Humane Society removed 33 live and six dead hamsters.

The woman was already is facing charges of failing to provide shelter and food to a Great Dane removed from her home in August.

A dose of James Taranto...

2006-10-01T13:50:00.000-05:00

We Guess It Wasn't 'Don't Move!'
"Dead Man Ignored Police Order"--headline, Arizona Republic, Sept. 23

Look Out Below!
"They Asked for a Bathroom, but Got a Loft"--headline, New York Times, Sept. 28

Celebs Should Stay Away From Trans-Fats
"Cosmic Doughnuts Linked to Massive Stars"--headline, CNN.com, Sept. 28

Blind Rage
"Man Allegedly Seeks Revenge Over Glasses"--headline, Associated Press, Sept. 28

Good News for the Saints
"Experts: Collier Rural Land Plan Puts Panthers at Risk"--headline, Naples (Fla.) News, Sept. 29

Bottom Stories of the Day:

"Green Party Hopefuls Plan Mtn. View Campaign Forum"--headline, San Jose Mercury News, Sept. 28

"Woman Finally Cures Her 40-Year Fear of Vegetables"--headline, Daily Telegraph (London), Sept. 29

"Pine Lane Home Is Completely Renovated"--headline, Daily News Transcript (Norwood, Mass.), Sept. 29**

"Cat Stuck in Pipe Amuses Schoolchildren"--headline, El Paso Times, Sept. 29

"Friday Temple Mount Prayers Uneventful"--headline, Jerusalem Post, Sept. 29

"Racial Backlash Absent in Convicted Killer's Hometown"--headline, Associated Press, Sept. 28

"False Alarm at Governor's Mansion"--headline, Argus Leader (Sioux Falls, S.D.), Sept. 29

"Herald Owner Hurts Hand in Fishing Mishap"--headline, Boston Herald, Sept. 29

Let's make it two today...

2006-09-22T15:29:00.000-05:00

Next Stop, the Senate
"Big Rig Plows Through House"--headline, KATC-TV Web site (Lafayette, La.), Sept. 20

Israel Got a New Haircut, Has Been Working Out
"Palestinian PM Won't Recognize Israel"--headline, Associated Press, Sept. 22

If You Can't Read This, Wait a Couple of Years

"N.Y. English Scores Drop Sharply in 6th Grade"--headline, New York Times, Sept. 22

"Reading Scores Rise for City's Eighth-Graders"--headline, New York Sun, Sept. 22

Don't They Also Run Big Companies and Vacation in Exotic Locales?
"Billionaires Only Occupy Forbes 400 List"--headline, Associated Press, Sept. 22

This Just In
"Autumn Arrives"--headline, Herald Times Reporter (Manitowoc, Wis.), Sept. 22

News You Can Use
"No matter your age, if you are reading this, you are growing older."--Al Neuharth, USA Today, Sept. 22

Thanks for the Tip!--CVI
"Health Tip: Rake Leaves Safely"--headline, HealthDay.com, Sept. 22

Bottom Stories of the Day:

"Police Do Not Investigate Info Leak Form Kubice's Report--Husak"--headline, Ceske Noviny (Czech Republic), Sept. 21

"Removal of Tree Is Approved"--headline, Times (Trenton, N.J.), Sept. 22

"Sheriff's Office Reports 'Uneventful' Night"--headline, Tallahassee Democrat, Sept. 22

"Rare Judicial Impeachment Hearing Ends With Little Action Taken"--headline, Legal Times, Sept. 22

"No News Here . . . Gates Still Richest"--headline, Seattle Times, Sept. 22

"Boise Woman Not Chosen as a Finalist for 'The Biggest Loser' "--headline, KTVB-TV Web site (Boise, Idaho), Sept. 21

What would I do if I didn't have James Taranto to copy?

2006-09-22T14:27:00.000-05:00

'Give Peace a Chance,' the a Capella Version
"Quartet Backs Palestinian Efforts"--headline, BBC Web site, Sept. 20

They're Relieved It Won't Be Sooner
"9/11 Workers to Be Autopsied When They Die"--headline, MSNBC.com, Sept. 20

The People vs. Sesame Street
"Lawyers Debate What Letter Comes After K"--headline, Concord (N.H.) Monitor, Sept. 21

Not Quite Living Up to the Hype
"Human Stem Cells Help Blinded Rats"--headline, Reuters, Sept. 20

The Evilmewers of al Qitty
"Man Jailed for Beheading Girlfriend's Kitten"--headline, CNN.com, Sept. 20

'Damn, This Thing's Heavy'
"Senate Weighs 700-Mile Fence Along Border"--headline, Associated Press, Sept. 21

News You Can Use
"Drivers: Don't Cross the Line"--headline, Herald Times Reporter (Manitowoc, Wis.), Sept. 21

Thanks for the Tip!--CV
"Health Tip: Be Careful Choosing Which Bleach"--headline, HealthDay.com, Sept. 21

Bottom Stories of the Day:

"McDonald's May Offer Breakfast Menu All Day Long"--headline, FoxNews.com, Sept. 20

"Nanticoke Officials Will Examine Their To-Do List"--headline, Citizens' Voice (Wilkes-Barre, Pa.), Sept. 21

"No Wedding 'Today' for Richmond Couple"--headline, Richmond Times-Dispatch, Sept. 21

"Dog Bites Woman"--headline, Des Moines Register, Sept. 21

Taranto today...

2006-09-18T17:04:00.000-05:00

Prisons Full Despite Crime Drop!
"Oil Prices Up Despite Cut in OPEC Output"--headline, Associated Press, Sept. 15

'Candygram, My Foot'
"Found: Shark That Walks on Its Fins"--headline, Sydney Morning Herald, Sept. 18

'Don't Give Me That Look, Popeye'
"Tainted Spinach Glance"--headline, Associated Press, Sept. 15

No Wonder Uranus Looks All Spruced Up
"Astronauts Put Final Touches on Solar System"--headline, Independent Online (South Africa), Sept. 15

And They Want to Make Sure You Know It
"Computers Are a Headline Generator"--headline, Richmond Times-Dispatch, Sept. 18

Bottom Stories of the Day:

"No Laurels for 'All the King's Men' at Festival"--headline, Reuters, Sept. 17

"Widow Rented Rotary Phone for 42 Years"--headline, Associated Press, Sept. 15

"James Keeping Job at Lowe's"--headline, Atlanta Journal-Constitution, Sept. 16

" 'Giving' Kiosk May Not Materialize"--headline, Herald-Sun (Durham, N.C.), Sept. 15

"Fall Is On the Way: Here's what you can expect"--headline and subheadline, Asheville (N.C.) Citizen-Times, Sept. 18

"Rainstorm Not Likely Here"--headline, (Tucson) Arizona Daily Star, Sept. 18

"Willie Nelson Cited for Drug Possession"--headline, Associated Press, Sept. 18

"Karl Rove Gets No Apology From Me"--headline, Bill Press column, Sept. 14

Headlines from James Taranto...

2006-09-14T18:50:00.000-05:00

What Would We Do Without Experts?
"Experts: Effect of Cohabitation Ruling Remains Unclear"--headline, Associated Press, Sept. 14

What Would We Do Without Former Teachers?
"Former Teacher: Sex With Pupil 'Really Bad Choice' "--headline, CNN.com, Sept. 13

¿Qué Haríamos sin Estudios?
"Study Says English Is Alive, Well"--headline, Houston Chronicle, Sept. 14

The Wet Look
"Ex-CIA Official Plame Sues Armitage in Leak Suit"--headline, Reuters, Sept. 13

Why Would They Need Help Floundering?
"Efforts to Help Obese Children Floundering"--headline, MSNBC.com, Sept. 13

He Wants a Jury of His Deers?
"Defendant Seeks Delay Because Deer Season Could Reduce Jury Pool"--headline, WPTY-TV Web site (Memphis, Tenn.), Sept. 13

Bottom Stories of the Day:

"Giant Spider Invades Tallmadge Family's Porch"--headline, Associated Press, Sept. 13

"Minister Advises Boy to Study"--headline, Mumbai (India) Mirror, Sept. 13

"BMW Proves to Be Sustainable Business"--headline, Greenville (S.C.) News, Sept. 13

Daily dose from James Taranto...

2006-09-13T17:53:00.000-05:00

Outsourcing an Inconvenient Truth
"Gore Calls on China, India to Tackle Climate Change"--headline, Agence France-Presse, Sept. 12

John Kerry on Holiday
"French Presidential Hopeful Tours the U.S."--headline, New York Times, Sept. 13

'Hang In There, Our Speeches Are Really Long'
"Cheney, Rumsfeld Call for Perseverance at Pentagon Ceremony"--headline, Agence France-Presse, Sept. 11

'Farsi It Is'
"European Nations Agree on Iran Language"--headline, Associated Press, Sept. 13

How Many Were Murders and How Many Suicides?
"2 Killed in Murder-Suicide at Prison"--headline, Associated Press, Sept. 11

The Campus Clinic Christmas Party Is Hereby Canceled
"Stanford Won't Let Doctors Accept Gifts"--headline, Associated Press, Sept. 12

Bring the Hoover Home From Herat
"Rice: Don't Leave Vacuum in Afghanistan"--headline, NewsMax.com, Sept. 12

Poor Hardest Hit Anyway
"World Doesn't End, Sect Upset"--headline, United Press International, Sept. 13

Bottom Stories of the Day:

"No News in McGavick's Divorce File"--headline, Seattle Times, Sept. 12

"Air Supply Will Be Back on Taiwan Tour Next Month"--headline, China Post (Taipei), Sept. 13

"Darien School Board Doesn't Decide on Lights"--headline, Advocate (Stamford, Conn.), Sept. 13

"Sharpton Bashes Bush in UF Speech"--headline, Gainesville (Fla.) Sun, Sept. 13

"Rumsfeld Criticized"--headline, Richmond Times-Dispatch, Sept. 13

Headlines from James Taranto...

2006-09-12T20:38:00.000-05:00

News You Can Use
"Heavy TVs Can Be Dangerous to Kids"--headline, ABCNews.com, Sept. 12

Rocket Science in the Service of Arithmetic
"Shuttle Brings Addition to Space Station"--headline, Associated Press, Sept. 11

If It's Free, Is It Still Prostitution?
"Richmond OKs Prostitution-Free Zones"--headline, Richmond Times-Dispatch, Sept. 12

Bottom Stories of the Day:

"No Brawl at Hunterdon Rivals' Game"--headline, Star-Ledger (Newark, N.J.), Sept. 12

"Former N.J. Governor Talks to Oprah"--headline, Associated Press, Sept. 12

"No One Injured in Apartment Fire"--headline, Houston Chronicle, Sept. 12

"Washington State Teacher Won't Shave Beard Until bin Laden Caught"--headline, FoxNews.com, Sept. 12

Turkey fires are common?

2006-09-10T21:14:00.000-05:00

Man starts fire by roasting bear
Friday, September 8, 2006

It's not a terribly uncommon event - someone leaves something in the oven, it gets a bit burny, and the next thing you know, a large part of their house is a smouldering ruin.

A Michigan man recently did just that, reducing his garage to ashes. The unusual part of the story is that he was trying to roast a bear.

It is not known exactly why Joe Gorzynski had decided to roast the bear. But doing so cost him his garage, his oven, his fishing equipment, his tools and a collection of animal heads mounted on the wall.

The bear also did not survive the conflagration.

The fire raged so strongly (bears are clearly a good fuel source) that it melted vinyl shutters and the siding of his neighbour's property.

Hamlin Fire Department chief Steve Vandervest noted that while fires caused by turkeys were relatively common, bears weren't. 'This was a new one,' he commented.

Thank you, James Taranto...

2006-09-07T17:44:00.000-05:00

What Would Many Do Without Studies?
"Study: Medical Instructions Stump Many"--headline, Associated Press, Sept. 6

Assault With a Dead Weapon
"Woman Found Guilty of Hitting Another Woman With Dead Puppy"--headline, Houston Chronicle (story from St. Louis Post-Dispatch), Sept. 7

Who Knew He Even Spoke Beinish?
"Katsav Won't Swear in Beinish"--headline, Jerusalem Post, Sept. 6

Now That They're Famous, They Just Eat Junk
"Stars Used to Rate Foods for Nutrition"--headline, Associated Press, Sept. 7

News You Can Use
"Parents Should Stay Involved in Kids' Education"--headline, Arizona Republic, Sept. 6

Bottom Stories of the Day:

"NASA to Decide When to Launch Shuttle"--headline, Associated Press, Sept. 7

"Arkansas Cow Has Fourth Set of Triplets"--headline, Associated Press, Sept. 7

"Bank of Canada Leaves Interest Rate Unchanged"--headline, CBC News, Sept. 6

"Karl Rove Won't Be Frog-Marched Across White House Lawn"--headline, FoxNews.com, Sept. 5

Stop crime by throwing the scoundrel in prison!

2006-09-07T16:00:00.000-05:00

Mich. Inmate Runs Identity Theft Scam from Prison Cell
September 7, 2006

Mich. Attorney General Mike Cox announced this week that Dale Morris, 42, an inmate at the Hiawatha Correctional Facility in Kinross, Mich., was sentenced to five to 20 years in the Chippewa County Circuit Court by 50th Circuit Court Judge Nicholas Lambros.

Morris was convicted of maintaining a sophisticated criminal enterprise that he orchestrated from his Michigan prison cell. Morris' scheme enlisted the help of two fellow Michigan inmates, Darius Moye and Richard Custer, their mothers, Mary Moye of Georgia and Linda Custer of Detroit, David Bullard of Inkster, and Sherry Drake of Detroit. The scheme involved the attempted use of thousands of stolen names and social security numbers, including several hundred stolen from the St. John's Medical System in Detroit, to defraud Michigan taxpayers out of hundreds of thousands of state tax dollars. The hospital records were later seized in Georgia in Moye's home.

"The sheer brazenness of this criminal enterprise is incredible," Cox said. "I want to compliment the Michigan State Police and the U.S. Postal Inspectors for their help in investigating this scam and completing the work before the state of Michigan lost any money. I also want to compliment St. John's Medical System for their cooperation and assistance in this investigation. The hard work and cooperation by all these offices helped keep our State's taxpayers from being defrauded out of hundreds of thousands of their hard-earned dollars," Cox added.

Morris, in prison as a 4th time habitual offender (convicted of 3 prior felony convictions), was the ringleader of the scheme to fraudulently obtain Homestead Property Tax refunds that were intended for low income renters. While in prison, Morris' directed his co-conspirators to file hundreds of false homestead property tax claims with the Michigan Department of Treasury. These fraudulent filings, which used stolen names and social security numbers, claimed to be low income renters in Detroit. Hundreds of Michigan Treasury check "refunds" were in the process of being sent to various addresses in Detroit, many of which were non-existent, but all had a change of address form filed with the U.S. Post Office directing the checks to a Livonia P.O. Box. Incredibly, the P.O. Box was rented by Exarch Management Consultants, - which was incorporated by Morris while he was in prison.

U.S. postal carriers noticed the large number of Treasury checks going to the Livonia P.O. Box and alerted authorities. The Michigan State Police, U.S. Postal Inspectors, and the Michigan Attorney General's Office unraveled the scheme quickly and charged all participants with Maintaining a Continuing Criminal Enterprise, a 20-year felony, and Filing False Tax Claims, a 5-year felony. When the defendants were arrested, thousands of additional tax claims were in the process of being filed. Had this fraud continued, the defendants would have defrauded the state of hundreds of thousands of dollars, according to Cox.

Source: Michigan Attorney General's Office

James Taranto's headlines...

2006-09-06T17:35:00.000-05:00

Someone Alert the Police
"Sexually Violent Predator Meeting Planned"--headline, Rocky Mountain News (Denver), Sept. 5

Sounds Like Entrapment
"Police Hoping to Expose Serial Flasher"--headline, KYW-TV Web site (Philadelphia), Sept. 5

He Won't Pay Till He's Sure All the Charges Are His
"Frist Still Seeks Internet Gambling Bill: Aides"--headline, Reuters, Sept. 5

Half of All Nonmigrants, Too
"Women 'Form Half of All Migrants' "--headline, BBC Web site, Sept. 6

'They Can't Even Pronounce Their L's!'
"US Envoy Says NKorea Talks in Bad Way"--headline, Agence France-Presse, Sept. 6

An Educated Guess: You Eat It
"Scientists Probe How Protein Staves Off Hunger"--headline, CBC News (Canada), Sept. 5

Just Don't Call Him 'Tiny'
"NAVAL BLOCKADE: 9 Warships Seal Off Sulu"--headline, Tempo (Philippines), Sept. 7

Bottom Stories of the Day:

"Man's Body Found in Des Moines Cemetery"--headline, Associated Press, Sept. 4

"Last First Day of School Not an Issue"--headline, Wausau (Wis.) Daily Herald, Sept. 6

"Albanian Hemp Growers See Project Threatened"--headline, Financial Times, Sept. 5

"Stingrays 'Not a Big Issue' in Delaware"--headline, News Journal (Wilmington, Del.), Sept. 5

"Congress Consumed by Politics"--headline, Associated Press, Sept. 5

Got Taranto?

2006-09-05T17:10:00.000-05:00

'He Tastes Like Chicken'
"US Urges People to Grill Visiting Former Iran President"--headline, Agence France-Presse, Aug. 30

You Don't Say
"Man Hurt in 4-Story Leap From Window"--headline, Toledo Blade, Aug. 31

What Would We Do Without Survival Experts?
"Leave Dangerous Animals Alone: Survival Expert"--headline, Sydney Morning Herald, Sept. 5

That's Even Harder Than Juggling Bowling Balls
"Singapore Military Juggles Ties With Taiwan, China"--headline, Reuters, Aug. 31

What Do Driveways Say to Parkers?
"Parkway to Drivers: Watch Road"--headline, Asheville (N.C.) Citizen-Times, Aug. 31

[Sex-Ed] for Dairy Farmers
"Data Key to Getting Cows Pregnant"--headline, Herald Times Reporter (Manitowoc, Wis.), Sept. 4

Just Feed Her Some Data and Let Nature Do the Rest
"Never Hug a Swiss Cow, Hikers Told"--headline, MSNBC.com, Aug. 29

Thanks for the Tip!--CI
"Health Tip: Angina Is Chest Pain"--headline, HealthDay.com, Aug. 31

Bottom Stories of the Holiday Weekend:

"Brno Hospital Director Burian Not Dismissed From His Post"--headline, Ceske Noviny (Czech Republic), Aug. 30

" 'No Signs' of China Trip by Kim Jong-il"--headline, Chosun Ilbo (South Korea), Aug. 30

"Jesse: I Don't Know if J-Lo Preggers"--headline, Daily Mirror (London), Aug. 30

"Queen Beatrix to Visit Estoni [sic] in 'Next Few Years' "--headline, Baltic Times (Riga, Latvia), Aug. 31

"Pope's Brother Doesn't Offer Advice"--headline, Associated Press, Sept. 1

"Dead Fish Found in Rock Creek"--headline, Washington Post, Sept. 1

"Missing Evidence Not Found"--headline, Clarion-Ledger (Jackson, Miss.), Sept. 5

"Castro's Health Not Top Topic at U.S. Base"--headline, Miami Herald, Sept. 5

"Atlantic City Official Admits Taking Bribes"--headline, Star-Ledger Web site (Newark, N.J.), Aug. 31

"UN Condemns Israeli Strategy as 'Immoral' "--headline, Financial Times, Aug. 30

Darwin still in effect...

2006-09-04T09:23:00.000-05:00

Thanks to CFIF.ORG for this gem:

Droopy Drawers Thief's Downfall

Loose, baggy jeans are credited with catching a would-be robber in Henderson, North Carolina. It seems that when 24-year-old Noah Donell Brown tried to jump over the counter of a Subway shop during an armed robbery attempt, his loose trousers tripped him up and he came crashing down in front of employees.

Brown then fled to a nearby residential neighborhood, with police in chase, only to get held up again. As he tried to climb a picket fence, Brown's pants got caught. Police, who found him dangling upside down, his pants at his ankles, had to cut him loose.

"He didn't make a good jump," said Hendersonville police Chief Donnie Parks, who spotted Brown on the fence. "The only reason we caught the guy was because his pants fell down," he said, adding: "He was wearing underwear, thank goodness."

Brown pleaded guilty to attempted robbery with a dangerous knife.

—Source: Wall Street Journal

The truth about advertising lawyers...

2006-09-04T09:16:00.000-05:00

Definitely worth a look...

James Taranto's headlines...

2006-08-28T17:14:00.000-05:00

Fun With Dick and Jane
"Cat Catches Bat, Bat Has Rabies, Bat Put Down"--headline, RadioIowa.com, Aug. 25

Hard to Believe Anyone Was Looking at Their Eyebrows
"Nude Teens Raise Eyebrows in Vermont Town"--headline, Reuters, Aug. 24

If You Want to Keep Something Precious, Got to Lock It Up and Throw Away the Key
"Sting Rounds Up 25 Foreigners for Sex Crimes"--headline, WorldNetDaily, Aug. 25

How It Got in the Disguise We'll Never Know
"Crooks Rob Bank Disguised as Construction Workers"--headline, WTTG-TV Web site (Washington), Aug. 24

'The Bad News Is, I'm a Little Bit Pregnant'
"Partial Victory for Morning After Pill"--headline, Detroit Free Press, Aug. 25

News You Can Use
"TRAVELER'S CHECK: If You Live Near Airport, Expect Noise"--headline, Arkansas Democrat Gazette (Northwest Arkansas edition), Aug. 28

Bottom Stories of the Day

"Canoe Flips, Canoeists OK"--headline, WOOD-TV Web site (Grand Rapids, Mich.), Aug. 26

"Lee Overcomes Sniffles"--headline, Columbus Dispatch, Aug. 27

"Farmers' Almanac Predicts a Cold Winter"--headline, Boston Globe, Aug. 28

"Former US President Carter 'Disappointed' With Blair"--headline, Voice of America Web site, Aug. 27

A headline you can use...

2006-08-28T10:55:00.000-05:00

TV watchers watch TV
Aug. 10, 2006, Toronto Star

Have some James Taranto headlines...

2006-08-21T17:20:00.000-05:00

What Would Truck Drivers With Little Sleep Do Without Studies?
"Truck Drivers With Little Sleep Perform Poorly, Study Shows"--headline, Philadelphia Inquirer, Aug. 21

As Phony as a Bill Worth One-Third Less
"Fannie Mae to Sell $4.5 Bills on Wednesday"--headline, Reuters, Aug. 21

HealthDay Gets Scooped Again
"Medical Advice: Know Your Shaman"--headline, Houston Chronicle, Aug. 16

Bottom Stories of the Day

"Clinton to Celebrate 60th Birthday With Family, Friends"--headline, Associated Press, Aug. 18

"Prosecutors Won't Probe Madonna's Act"--headline, Associated Press, Aug. 21

"Five Finnish Universities Again Among Top 500 in the World"--headline, Helsingin Sanomat (Helsinki), Aug. 18

"No Munitions Found at Site Near Chanute"--headline, News-Gazette (Champaign-Urbana, Ill.), Aug. 18

"Stolen Banjo Surfaces on eBay, Much to Musician's Delight"--headline, WTOP radio Web site (Washington), Aug. 21

"Diana Was Not Pregnant, Says Mortuary Manager"--headline, Times (London), Aug. 19

"New Jersey Man Gets Gas Pains on Visit to Area"--headline, Times Herald (Olean, N.Y.), Aug. 17

"Hillary Clinton Setting Up for Presidential Run"--headline, Agence France-Presse, Aug. 20

Sick of Lawsuits? Watch this...

2006-08-21T13:13:00.000-05:00

Stop the advertising lawyers from ruining our civil justice system...

Time for James Taranto's newspaper headlines...

2006-08-07T18:10:00.000-05:00

What Would We Do Without Analyses?
"Analysis: Mideast Conflict Complicated"--headline, Associated Press, Aug. 4

We Didn't Know Mountains Were Bad
"Taller Mountains Blamed on Global Warming, Too"--headline, LiveScience.com, Aug. 4

You Don't Say
"Cooler Air Brings Relief From Heat Wave"--headline, Associated Press, Aug. 4

None of Us Are Getting Any Younger:

"S.F.'s Homeless Aging on the Street"--headline, San Francisco Chronicle, Aug. 4

"Astronomers Say Universe May Be Bigger and Older"--headline, Los Angeles Times, Aug. 5

Despite Increasing Crime, Prison Population Declines!
"Mass Pardon for Convicts in Italy Leads to a Crime Wave"--headline, Independent (London), Aug. 6

Uhhh, Maybe Because They Don't Like Being in Prison?
"Why Do Prisoners Keep Breaking Out?"--headline, "Good Morning America" section, ABCNews.com, Aug. 5

News You Can Use
"Travellers Are Cautioned to Be Aware of French Donkeys That Are Derailing Trains"--headline, Polish Outlook, August 2006

What Would We Do Without Studies?
"Study: NYC Street Fairs All the Same"--headline, Associated Press, Aug. 6

What Would Teens Do Without Sexual Lyrics?
"Sexual Lyrics Prompt Teens to Have Sex"--headline, Associated Press, Aug. 7

We're Pretty Sure It Doesn't Work on Men
"Sen. George Allen Turns to Plan B"--headline, News Virginian (Waynesboro, Va.), Aug. 6

A Modest Proposal
"Kobayashi Sets Brat-Eating Record"--headline, Associated Press, Aug. 5

Bottom Stories of the Day

"N.H. Woman Bakes Cookies on Dashboard"--headline, Associated Press, Aug. 3

"Bicyclist Won't Face Misdemeanor Charge"--headline, Seattle Times, Aug. 5

"Selah Woman Relieved to Recover Pet Tortoise"--headline, Associated Press, Aug. 7

"Iraq Protester Sheehan Returns to Crawford"--headline, Reuters, Aug. 6

What better way to honor Mom's birthday than a lawsuit!

2006-07-14T13:31:00.000-05:00

Happy Birthday Visit Ends with Lawsuit Between Daughter, Mother
July 14, 2006 (AP)

An Illinois woman is suing her Wisconsin parents for negligence, claiming a surprise birthday visit to her mother in January 2005 left the woman with a broken ankle after a fall on her parents' icy driveway.

A federal judge has refused to throw out the lawsuit, setting up a potential mother-daughter courtroom showdown at a trial scheduled for November.

The daughter, Carriel Louah, 25, is brandishing an apology letter from her mom as the smoking gun in her lawsuit seeking damages for medical bills and lost wages.

In the letter, dated months after the fall, Wendi Reichling wrote that she and her husband "should have fixed that damn (gutter) years ago. We have learned we have to take better care of our sidewalks."

On Jan. 14, 2005, Louah, of Rockford, Ill. traveled to Darlington, Wis. to surprise her mother on her birthday, which she was celebrating at a local tavern. Louah spent the night at the home of her mother and stepfather.

The next morning she slipped on their driveway, breaking her left ankle and injuring her foot and leg, according to court records.

Another goofy lawsuit from CFIF.ORG...

2006-07-14T08:47:00.000-05:00

Like Mike

An Oregon man has filed an $832 million civil lawsuit against basketball star Michael Jordan and Nike founder Phil Knight, claiming that he has been subjected to harassment, discomfort, unpleasant feelings and permanent injury because he physically resembles the basketball icon. The plaintiff is seeking $52 million from each defendant for "defamation and permanent injury" and $364 million from each in punitive damages for "emotional pain and suffering."

The nearly six-foot tall Allen Ray Heckard filed suit last month in county court claiming to have been mistaken for Michael Jordan (who is six inches taller) nearly every day for the past 15 years. According to Heckard's suit, he cannot attend religious services and public functions, ride public transportation, go to a restaurant, play sports in public parks, attend movies or walk the streets without people thinking he's Jordan. Heckard, who is representing himself, said, "I'm constantly being accused of looking like Michael, and it makes it very uncomfortable for me."

--Source: The Sunday Oregonian (Portland, Oregon) and Chicago Tribune

Which came first, the chicken or the Allah egg?

2006-07-13T17:31:00.000-05:00

Chicken lays mystery Allah egg
Thu Jul 13, 2006 8:06 AM ET

ALMATY (Reuters) - A chicken in a Kazakh village has laid an egg with the word "Allah" inscribed on its shell, state media reported Thursday.

"Our mosque confirmed that it says 'Allah' in Arabic," Bites Amantayeva, a farmer from the village of Stepnoi in eastern Kazakhstan, told state news agency Kazinform.

"We'll keep this egg and we don't think it'll go bad."

The news agency said the egg was laid just after a powerful hail storm hit the village.

Kazakhstan is a large, thinly populated Central Asian state where Sunni Islam is a dominant religion.

Taranto's latest...

2006-06-29T13:28:00.000-05:00

What Would We Do Without Studies?
"How Is Dingo Urine Gathered? Carefully, Study Says"--headline, Reuters, June 27

For Everyone Else, It's 100 in 100
"Shuttle Crew Faces 1-in-100 Chance of Dying"--headline, CNN.com, June 27

A Little Tea Pot
"British health food shops will soon be offering customers iced cannabis tea, its Swiss distributor said. Sold under the label 'C-Ice Swiss Cannabis Ice Tea,' the beverage contains five percent of hemp flower syrup and a tiny (0.0015 percent) quantity of THC, the active ingredient of marijuana."--Agence France-Presse, June 26

The Homicide Squad Is Overworked
"Manila Cops Insist on Legitimate Killings"--headline, Manila (Philippines) Standard, June 27

Bottom Stories of the Day

* "Klinsmann: No Interest in Taking Over U.S."--headline, FoxSports.com, June 26

* "Rap Mogul's Boycott of Cristal Champagne Unlikely to Hurt Brand"--headline, Advertising Age, June 27

* "Statistics Canada Collecting Late Census Forms"--headline, Canadian Broadcasting Corp. Web site, June 26

Where have I been? Here's some Tarranto...

2006-06-28T09:19:00.000-05:00

What Would Expats Do Without Experts?
"Few Expats Vote in Mexican Election, but Its [sic] a Start, Experts Say"--headline, Associated Press, June 24

You Only Live Twice
"Life Sentences Double in 10 Years as Judges Hand Down Longer Terms"--headline, Independent (London), June 24

Bet He Didn't Answer
"Newspaper Questions Man Executed in 1983 Slaying"--headline, Associated Press, June 25

Here Comes Johnny Singing Oldies, Goldies
"Retirees Will Face Dire Straits"--headline, Newhouse News Service, June 23

Say What?
"Avalanche Ship Tanguay to Flames Early at Draft"--headline, Reuters, June 24

'Elizabeth, I'm Coming to Join You, Honey'
"Red Fox Spotted in Robinson"--headline, WTAE-TV Web site (Pittsburgh), June 26

That Explains the Long Face
"Possibly Drunk Pelican Hits Windshield"--headline, Associated Press, June 24

Today's Lesson: Gun Safety

"Bear Education Efforts Increased"--headline, Times (Trenton, N.J.), June 26

"Bruno the Celebrity Bear Shot Dead"--headline, CNN.com, June 26

Thanks for the Tip!--LXXXV
"Health Tip: Varicose Veins May Not Need Treatment"--headline, HealthDay.com, June 26

Bottom Stories of the Day:

"Kate Beckinsale Just Wants to Sleep"--headline, Life Style Extra, June 23

"Entomologist Fumes Over Moth Plan Veto"--headline, Associated Press, June 25

"Minor League Manager Throws Tantrum"--headline, Associated Press, June 26

"Radio Ad Aired in District 22 Race"--headline, Houston Chronicle, June 24