never mind...
Friday, September 17, 2004
Am I the only one who misses William Proxmire?
Gleaned from this year's appropriations bills--courtesy of your local Congressperson--the list you've been waiting for:
2004 Pork Lotto Winners
$725,000-->Please Touch Museum, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania (but don't walk on the grass)
$250,000: Call Me Mister program, Clemson University (even if I'm female)
$500,000: New England Amer-I-Can Program (sounds like a can-o-pork to me)
$150,000: Rock School, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania (shouldn't that be in Boulder, Colorado?)
$100,000: History competition during National History Day in Iowa (picked the right day for it)
$175,000: Therapeutic Horsemanship Center, Gettysburg, Pennsylvania (is it therapy for the horse or rider?)
$315,000: Formosan Subterranean Termite research (just call Orkin!)
$100,000: Kids Rock Free educational program, Corona, California (let's just keep it to sex and drugs...)
$100,000: Renovation of the historic Coca-Cola building in Macon, Georgia (can't Coke afford to do this itself?)
$225,000: Construction of Blue-Gray Civil War Theme Park, Kentucky (a theme park???)
$75,000: North Pole Transit System JARC Program, Alaska (and who will be riding it?)
$400,000: Speed Art Museum, Louisville, Kentucky (you only have 30 seconds to get through the museum...)
$90,000: Olive fruitfly research (ok, is it an olive fly or a fruit fly?)
$100,000: People for People, Inc., Philadelphia, Pennsylvania (sounds like a fair trade to me)
$2,000,000: First Tee program (and there's 17 more to go!)
$180,000: Seafood waste research, Fairbanks, Alaska (eew!)
$85,000: Comprehensive Transportation Plan for Lewisburg, West Virginia (good grief, you can walk through Lewisburg in five minutes!)
$100,000: Norman Hall project, University of Florida (any relation to the Monty Hall project?)
$270,000: Sustainable olive production (how about a grand or two for sustainable martini production?)
$200,000: Cedar glades research (one can never research cedar glades enough)
$2,000,000: Intermodal Transload Facility, Quincy, Washington (these will be used in the production and transportation of retroencabulators)
$220,000: New Mexico Retail Association, Albuquerque, New Mexico (retailers must not be doing too well there)
$400,000: Davenport Music History Museum, Davenport, Iowa (there's nothing like Davenport music)
$25,000: Alex Haley House Museum, Henning, Tennessee (taxpayers are paying for the house that the "Roots" author owned?)
$5,000,000: Project SOCRATES (stay tuned for ARISTOTLE)
$200,000: Advanced Traffic Analysis Center, North Dakota (now, if they could just find some traffic in North Dakota...)
$250,000: Nevada Test Site Oral History Project (make your own joke here)
$2,000,000: I-SAFE America (glad someone feels safe in America)
$200,000: Renovation of First National Bank Building, Greenfield, Massachusetts (a bank needs financial help???)
$250,000: Martha's Village and Kitchen, Indio, California (this was Martha Stewart's first choice for a place to serve her sentence)
$270,000: Potato storage (what about the rest of the groceries?)
$1,000,000: Transylvania Community Hospital, Brevard, North Carolina (I vant to store your blood!)
$90,000: Karnal bunt research, Manhattan, Kansas (once again, make your own joke)
$210,000: O. Winston Link Museum, Roanoke, Virginia (we are paying for railroad photos? [look it up])
$2,000,000: Parents Anonymous (how will we know who to give the money to?)
$275,000: Refurbishment of the Coach George E. Ford Center, Powder Springs, Georgia (can you say "pure pork"?)
$270,000: U.S. Vegetable Lab (kids will love this place)
$113,000: Healing Place, Louisville, Kentucky (uh, aren't these called "hospitals"?)
$750,000: The Doe Fund's Ready, Willing & Able program (hey! how about MY ready, willing, and able fund?)
$160,000: Grapevine Bus Purchase, Texas ("I heard it through the grapevine bus, I heard it through the...)
$1,400,000: Translational Genomics Research Institute, Phoenix, Arizona (finally someone is looking into these translational genomics...)
$300,000: Milwaukee Summer Stars (boo hoo! what about winter stars?)
$1,500,000: Operation Streetsweeper (while we're cleaning things, how about "Operation Clean the Taxpayers' Pockets"?)
$300,000: Omnitrans-Paratransit Vehicles, California (the are used for carrying prefamulated amulite...)
$1,000,000: WestStart Vehicular Flywheel Project, Washington (an important part of omnitrans-paratrans vehicles)
$15,000: Pines of Peace, Inc., Ontario, New York (I'm actually pining more for some relief from these appropriations)
$75,000: U.S. Dream Academy, Inc., Columbia, Maryland (I must be dreaming)
$450,000: Trout Genome Mapping (once the human genome was mapped, could trouts be far behind?)
$500,000: LOVE Social Services, Fairbanks, Alaska (I guess even love has a price)
$2,000,000: Tools for Tolerance program, California (I could use some of these tools as I try to tolerate the US Congress)
$1,000,000: DelTrac Statewide Integration, Delaware (you would think the North would get around to this sooner)
(Source: Heritage Foundation) ¶ 2:00 PM
2004 Pork Lotto Winners
$725,000-->Please Touch Museum, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania (but don't walk on the grass)
$250,000: Call Me Mister program, Clemson University (even if I'm female)
$500,000: New England Amer-I-Can Program (sounds like a can-o-pork to me)
$150,000: Rock School, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania (shouldn't that be in Boulder, Colorado?)
$100,000: History competition during National History Day in Iowa (picked the right day for it)
$175,000: Therapeutic Horsemanship Center, Gettysburg, Pennsylvania (is it therapy for the horse or rider?)
$315,000: Formosan Subterranean Termite research (just call Orkin!)
$100,000: Kids Rock Free educational program, Corona, California (let's just keep it to sex and drugs...)
$100,000: Renovation of the historic Coca-Cola building in Macon, Georgia (can't Coke afford to do this itself?)
$225,000: Construction of Blue-Gray Civil War Theme Park, Kentucky (a theme park???)
$75,000: North Pole Transit System JARC Program, Alaska (and who will be riding it?)
$400,000: Speed Art Museum, Louisville, Kentucky (you only have 30 seconds to get through the museum...)
$90,000: Olive fruitfly research (ok, is it an olive fly or a fruit fly?)
$100,000: People for People, Inc., Philadelphia, Pennsylvania (sounds like a fair trade to me)
$2,000,000: First Tee program (and there's 17 more to go!)
$180,000: Seafood waste research, Fairbanks, Alaska (eew!)
$85,000: Comprehensive Transportation Plan for Lewisburg, West Virginia (good grief, you can walk through Lewisburg in five minutes!)
$100,000: Norman Hall project, University of Florida (any relation to the Monty Hall project?)
$270,000: Sustainable olive production (how about a grand or two for sustainable martini production?)
$200,000: Cedar glades research (one can never research cedar glades enough)
$2,000,000: Intermodal Transload Facility, Quincy, Washington (these will be used in the production and transportation of retroencabulators)
$220,000: New Mexico Retail Association, Albuquerque, New Mexico (retailers must not be doing too well there)
$400,000: Davenport Music History Museum, Davenport, Iowa (there's nothing like Davenport music)
$25,000: Alex Haley House Museum, Henning, Tennessee (taxpayers are paying for the house that the "Roots" author owned?)
$5,000,000: Project SOCRATES (stay tuned for ARISTOTLE)
$200,000: Advanced Traffic Analysis Center, North Dakota (now, if they could just find some traffic in North Dakota...)
$250,000: Nevada Test Site Oral History Project (make your own joke here)
$2,000,000: I-SAFE America (glad someone feels safe in America)
$200,000: Renovation of First National Bank Building, Greenfield, Massachusetts (a bank needs financial help???)
$250,000: Martha's Village and Kitchen, Indio, California (this was Martha Stewart's first choice for a place to serve her sentence)
$270,000: Potato storage (what about the rest of the groceries?)
$1,000,000: Transylvania Community Hospital, Brevard, North Carolina (I vant to store your blood!)
$90,000: Karnal bunt research, Manhattan, Kansas (once again, make your own joke)
$210,000: O. Winston Link Museum, Roanoke, Virginia (we are paying for railroad photos? [look it up])
$2,000,000: Parents Anonymous (how will we know who to give the money to?)
$275,000: Refurbishment of the Coach George E. Ford Center, Powder Springs, Georgia (can you say "pure pork"?)
$270,000: U.S. Vegetable Lab (kids will love this place)
$113,000: Healing Place, Louisville, Kentucky (uh, aren't these called "hospitals"?)
$750,000: The Doe Fund's Ready, Willing & Able program (hey! how about MY ready, willing, and able fund?)
$160,000: Grapevine Bus Purchase, Texas ("I heard it through the grapevine bus, I heard it through the...)
$1,400,000: Translational Genomics Research Institute, Phoenix, Arizona (finally someone is looking into these translational genomics...)
$300,000: Milwaukee Summer Stars (boo hoo! what about winter stars?)
$1,500,000: Operation Streetsweeper (while we're cleaning things, how about "Operation Clean the Taxpayers' Pockets"?)
$300,000: Omnitrans-Paratransit Vehicles, California (the are used for carrying prefamulated amulite...)
$1,000,000: WestStart Vehicular Flywheel Project, Washington (an important part of omnitrans-paratrans vehicles)
$15,000: Pines of Peace, Inc., Ontario, New York (I'm actually pining more for some relief from these appropriations)
$75,000: U.S. Dream Academy, Inc., Columbia, Maryland (I must be dreaming)
$450,000: Trout Genome Mapping (once the human genome was mapped, could trouts be far behind?)
$500,000: LOVE Social Services, Fairbanks, Alaska (I guess even love has a price)
$2,000,000: Tools for Tolerance program, California (I could use some of these tools as I try to tolerate the US Congress)
$1,000,000: DelTrac Statewide Integration, Delaware (you would think the North would get around to this sooner)
(Source: Heritage Foundation) ¶ 2:00 PM
