Never a dull headline...

...from James Taranto:

Who'll Make the Rest of It?
"Inmates Join Effort to Make Most of Moose"--headline, New York Times, Nov. 27
'I'll Stop the World and Melt With You'
"Scientists Discover Singing Iceberg in Antarctica"--headline, Reuters, Nov. 24
Over Egyptian Protests
"Mel Gibson Donates Pyramids to Mexico"--headline, NewsMax.com, Nov. 26
We're Going to South Carolina! And Oklahoma! And Lhasa!
"Dean to Greet Dalai Lama"--headline, Belfast (Northern Ireland) Telegraph, Nov. 22
Wouldn't It Be Cheaper to Hire a Sitter?
"Cruise Buys Sonogram Machine to Watch Baby"--headline, Reuters, Nov. 23
Thanks for the Tip!--XVII
"Health Tip: Be Careful Shoveling Snow"--headline, HealthDayNews, Nov. 28
Bottom Story of the Day
"Study--Longer Needles Needed for Fatter Buttocks"--headline, Reuters, Nov. 28
Poor Docs Wore Scrubs
"Reading X-Rays in Asbestos Suits Enriched Doctor"--headline, New York Times, Nov. 29
Thanks for the Tip!--XVIII
"Health Tip: Snowboard Safely"--headline, HealthDayNews, Nov. 29
We Know a More Reliable Test
"Experts Say Online Gender Test Unreliable"--headline, WAVE-TV Web site (Louisville, Ky.), Nov. 28
They Might Try Closing the Door
"Sperm Donors Need More Privacy"--headline, Daily Campus (University of Connecticut), Nov. 28
Are They Telling the Truth About Why They Lie?
"Women Lie in Bed for Space Research"--headline, FoxNews.com, Nov. 28  ¶ 9:01 PM

  If you were concerned about the 1,800 lb. BraBall...

...and let's be honest, who wasn't...then worry no more: it found a home.

Never underestimate the power of people with too much time on their hands...

  ¶ 9:00 PM

  An overdue contribution from James Taranto...

Now We're Cooking With Gaza
"Rice Recipe on Gaza Border a Small Step Forward"--headline, Toronto Star, Nov. 22
The Survey That Stole Christmas
"Survey Finds Toys Dangerous to Kids"--headline, Detroit Free Press, Nov. 23
This Just In
"Thanksgiving a Boom Time for US Turkey Farmers"--headline, Agence France-Presse, Nov. 23
What Would GM Do Without Analysts?
"GM Needs Product Appeal: Analysts"--headline, Reuters, Nov. 22
'Alcatraz Mystery Meat': Coming Soon to a Theater Near You
"Police: Prison Beef Led to Movie Shooting"--headline, Associated Press, Nov. 22
Only the Weapon Was Indicted
"Robber Allegedly Holds Up Bar With Ham Sandwich"--headline, WBBM-TV Web site (Chicago), Nov. 22
Good News for Gay Couch Potatoes
"Vatican Says Active Gays Not Welcome in Priesthood"--headline, Reuters, Nov. 22
Nice Dress, Your Honor!
"Nigerian Governor Flees UK Justice Dressed as Woman"--headline, Reuters, Nov. 22
How His Genitals Got a Taser I'll Never Know
"Police Hit Man in Genitals With Taser"--headline, Associated Press, Nov. 22
Good News: You Don't Have Cancer. Bad News: You Didn't Survive.
"Testicular Cancer Survivors Have Higher Rates of Other Cancers"--headline, American Cancer Society Web site, Nov. 21
Things Not to Say in a Real Estate Ad
"Man Who Lived Here Has Human Form of Mad Cow"--headline, Houston Chronicle, Nov. 21
Thanks for the Tip!--XV
"Health Tip: Protect Your Mouth"--headline, HealthDayNews, Nov. 22
Thanks for the Tip!--XVI
"Health Tip: Be Careful About Health Supplements"--headline, HealthDayNews, Nov. 23
Thanks for the Tip!--XVII
"Health Tip: Don't Ignore an Animal Bite"--headline, HealthDayNews, Nov. 23
Health Tip: Dump Chips for Apple
"Samsung Under Probe for Dumping Chips for Apple"--headline, Korea Times, Nov. 23
Tip for the Thanks!
"Thanksgiving Tips: Hold the Bacteria"--headline, CNN.com, Nov. 23  ¶ 11:38 AM

  Daily dose from James Taranto...

More Good News About 'Global Warming'
"Study: Global Warming Threatens New Jersey"--headline, FoxNews.com, Nov. 17
Thanks for the Tip!--XIII
"Health Tip: Flu Can Kill"--headline, HealthDayNews, Nov. 18
Gee, That's 'Comforting'
"Bird Flu Drug 'Safe' Despite Death Link"--headline, Daily Telegraph (Australia), Nov. 19
It's About Time That Mooch Gave It Back
"Superman Returns Trailer"--headline, IGN.com, Nov. 17
Bottom Story of the Day
" Editorial: Convoy of Dish Network Vans Hogs I-95 Passing Lane"--headline, Press Journal (Vero Beach, Fla.), Nov. 17  ¶ 7:13 PM

  James Taranto's headlines...

You know, you can't make up stuff this good...

No Wonder They're So Proud of Their Culture
"Car Torching a Tradition in France"--headline, Associated Press, Nov. 16
Ahmed? No, Wait . . . Uh, Mohammed? Wait, Wait, I Know This One!
"Iran President Makes Third Attempt to Name Oilmin"--headline, Reuters, Nov. 15
What Would We Do Without Studies?
"Exercise to Get Fit, Live Longer: Study"--headline, Reuters, Nov. 14
What Would We Do Without Wombs?
"Womb Needed for Proper Brain Development"--headline, United Press International, Nov. 14
What Would We Do Without Celebrity Children Bizarre Names Polls?
"Moon Unit Zappa Tops Celebrity Children Bizarre Names Poll"--headline, Agence France-Presse, Nov. 13
Why Not Let Sweeping Dogs Lie?
"San Francisco Passes Sweeping Dog Laws"--headline, Associated Press, Nov. 15
Thanks for the Tip!
"Health Tip: Potpourri May Smell Nice"--headline, HealthDayNews, Nov. 15  ¶ 8:54 PM

  James Taranto's headlines...

You Don't Say: "Deer-Vehicle Crashes Pose a Danger"--headline, Pioneer Press (St. Paul, Minn.), Nov. 13
What Would Experts Do Without Experts?: "When Experts Need Experts"--headline, New York Times, Nov. 10
What Would We Do Without the CDC?: "CDC: More Flu Vaccine Should Ease Shortage"--headline, Associated Press, Nov. 10
News You Can Use: "Seventies Oatmeal Still Tastes OK"--headline, Wired News, Nov. 14
Thinking Outside the Box: "Knight Ridder to Explore Selling Newspapers"--headline, New York Times, Nov. 14
Allowing Cameras in Court Was a Mistake: "Man Accused of Watching Child Porn Being Filmed in Court Today"--headline, WISN-TV Web site (Milwaukee), Nov. 14
Take Me Out to the Opera: "Wagner Is Top Priority for Mets and Phillies"--headline, New York Times, Nov. 11
What's a 'Hope Weiner'?: "Dems' Future Hope Weiner Already Trolls for '09 Votes"--headline, New York Post, Nov. 8  ¶ 8:47 PM

  Our quest for violent products continues...

...with this charmer:
hand grenade oil lamps by piet houtenbos new!

"a new take on "mood lighting" from designer piet houtenbos. these clever hand grenade oil lamps are made from actual US army surplus grenades and gilded in either gold or silver, or left with their natural finish. filled with oil, the candle burns for about 24 continuous hours."  ¶ 5:20 PM

  You guessed it: more James Taranto headlines...

Everyone Else Is Caught in Between: "Libby at Center of Case; Reporters in Middle" —USA Today

You Don't Say: "Alito Could Be Vote on Abortion Cases" —Associated Press

Chief Justice Roberts Livens Up the Court: "Justices lean toward ceremonial use of hallucinogen" —Pittsburgh Post-Gazette

World Ends; Minorities Hardest Hit: "Group: Same-Sex Marriage Bans Hurt Latinos Most" —Houston Chronicle

What Would We Do Without Bolivian Cleaning Ladies?: "You Shouldn't Have to Burn Cars to Get a Better Life—Ask My Bolivian Cleaning Lady" —Sunday Telegraph (London)  ¶ 5:09 PM

  Headlines from James Taranto...

Bad News for West Virginians: "No Freedom for Hicks as Supreme Court Considers Legal Issues"--headline, Australian Broadcast Corp. Web site, Nov. 8

What Would We Do Without Key Turkish Think Tanks?: "Key Turkish Think Tank: Iran a Risk"--headline, Jerusalem Post, Nov. 7

Who Says You Can't Pick Your Relatives?: "Cruise Hires Publicist to Replace Sister"--headline, Associated Press, Nov. 8

News You Can Use: "Women May Enjoy Humor More, if It's Funny"--headline, Associated Press, Nov. 7

Now It's Really Getting Ugly: "Rioters Thumb Noses at Chirac"--headline, Australian, Nov. 8  ¶ 7:59 PM

  Still more Darwin Award nominees...

Three die playing catch with grenade
Mon Nov 7, 2005 - Reuters  ¶ 7:57 PM

  From James Taranto....

The Passengers Must Be Really Jet-Lagged:"Iraqi Plane Lands in Iraq After 25 Years"--headline, NewKerala.com (India), Nov. 6

Now for the Good News:"North Korea Propaganda Fails to Crush Humanity"--headline, Reuters, Nov. 4

News You Can Use:"Which Diet Is Best? The One That Works for You"--headline, HealthDay, Nov. 4  ¶ 9:31 PM

  I'm sure...

We can take comfort in his lawyer's opinion. After all, he is a lawyer, isn't he?

Attorney: Escaped killer 'charming, articulate'
Saturday, November 5, 2005

HOUSTON, Texas (CNN) -- An attorney for Charles Victor Thompson described the escaped death-row inmate on Saturday as "charming, articulate and well-spoken," and said it's doubtful that the convicted murderer would kill again.  ¶ 8:25 PM

  Walking vanity plate?

"Introducing the most technologically advanced piece of clothing since the Hypercolor t-shirt ... the LED scrolling belt buckle. And this is the cheapest place to get them anywhere. You probably have a lot of questions, so let’s just get right to those."

Proving once again that people dorks will buy anything...including Hypercolor t-shirts.  ¶ 8:00 PM

  More from James Taranto...

At Least Unicorns and Dodos Are Safe: "Mermaids, Dinosaurs Deemed Terror Targets" —Tampa Tribune

Thanks for the Tip!: "Health Tip: Pregnancy Test Kit Must Be Used Correctly" —HealthDayNews

You Don't Say: "Cars Provide Convenience" —Yale Daily News

News Update From the 20th Century: "Militant Palestinian Leader Shot Dead in Malta 10 Years Ago" —MaltaMedia.com  ¶ 7:41 PM

  From James Taranto....

Is That Even a Quorum?: "Senators Defeat Lightning, 4-2"--headline, Associated Press, Nov. 3

Yeah, as Long as They're Falling, They Probably Won't Go Higher: "Falling Gas Prices Likely to Go Lower"--headline, Atlanta Journal-Constitution, Nov. 4

You Don't Say: "Voters to Decide Election Races"--headline, Bernardsville (N.J.) News, Nov. 2

What Would We Do Without Experts?: "Expert: Flu Outbreak Could Be Deadly or Mild"--headline, Rapid City (S.D.) Journal, Nov. 4

That's a Funny Name: "NASA Names New Shuttle a Priority"--headline, Associated Press, Nov. 4

Turkey Will Be Otherwise Occupied: "Crow to Play Thanksgiving at Halftime of NFL Game"--headline, Associated Press, Nov. 3  ¶ 9:02 AM

  This week's Darwin Award nominee...

Baggy Pants Trip Up Mich. Theft Suspect
Nov 4, 2005 - AP

FERNDALE, Mich. - A man suspected of stealing discs from a video store was tripped up by his baggy pants, falling twice before police captured him, authorities said.

James Green, 30, of Detroit, took about a half-dozen DVDs on Sunday night, and initially made his getaway on a bicycle, police said. Officers spotted him in an alley, and he abandoned the bike and ran, but his pants fell to his ankles and he tripped,

  ¶ 3:59 PM

  Ouch!

Man Sues Ex-Girlfriend Over Glue Attack
Nov 3, 2005 - AP

GREENSBURG, Pa. - A man claims his ex-girlfriend owes him more than $30,000 for gluing his genitals to his abdomen five years ago. "This was not just some petty domestic squabble," attorney Grey Pratt told a Westmoreland County jury Wednesday.

His client, Kenneth Slaby of Pittsburgh, is suing Gail O'Toole of Murrysville. His lawsuit claims the two broke up in 1999 after dating for 10 months and Slaby began dating someone else.

Slaby contends that O'Toole invited him over to her home on May 7, 2000, where he fell asleep. He woke up to find that O'Toole had used Super Glue to stick his genitals to his abdomen, glued his buttocks together and spelled out a profanity on his back in nail polish.  ¶ 3:57 PM

  James Taranto's Newspulper Headlines....

And We Thought They Were Running for President: "Rice's Donations Outpace Hillery's in Mayor's Race"--headline, Havre (Mont.) Daily News, Nov. 1

The Catholic Vote's in the Bag: "Pope Leaning to Rice"--headline, New York Post, Nov. 2

The Way They've Been Playing, the Farther the Better: "Chavez Warns of Moving Jets to Cuba, China"--headline, Associated Press, Nov. 1

World's Slowest Plane Crash: "Nigerian Plane Skids Off Runway Days After Crash"--headline, Reuters, Nov. 1

What Would We Do Without UNC Studies?: "UNC Study Finds Soap Effective Germ-Killer"--headline, MSNBC.com/WNCN-TV (Raleigh, N.C.), no date listed

Bottom Story of the Day: "Bad Lasagna Sours Argentina Summit Security"--headline, Reuters, Nov. 2

Burgers or Briefs?: "Quaker Maid Meats Inc. on Tuesday said it would voluntarily recall 94,400 pounds of frozen ground beef panties that may be contaminated with E. coli," Reuters reports  ¶ 9:23 PM

  James Taranto's Newspulper Headlines....

What Would Guantanamo Inmates Do Without Experts?: "Experts Want Access to Guantanamo Inmates"—headline, Associated Press, Oct. 31

What Would We Do Without Woody Allen?: "Woody Allen: I've Gained No Wisdom"—headline, CNN.com, Nov. 1

'Action,' Indeed!: "Cabinet Wants More Czech Babies: Experts welcome new family policy, say more action needed"—headline, Prague Post, Oct. 26

Tough Break, Pebbles: "Wilma Limits Trick-or-Treating in Fla."—headline, Associated Press, Oct. 31

Where's the Rest of Her?: "Father Accused of Breaking Daughter's Leg Out of Jail"—headline, Fox12 Oregon, KPTV-TV

He Might as Well Have Gone to a Mechanic: "Man Robbed While Working on His Vehicle"—headline, Columbia (Mo.) Daily Tribune, Oct. 31

Would You Buy a Used Car From This Man?: "Pope John Paul's 1975 Ford Sold for $690,000 at Auction"—headline, Associated Press, Oct. 31

Yeah, Man, Total Bummer: "Aust Prepared for Bird Flu Outbreak: Downer"—headline, Australian Broadcast Corp. Web site, Nov. 1

Thanks for the Tip!: "Health Tip: Winter Is Coming"—headline, HealthDayNews, Oct. 28

Better Than Stitches?: "Chewing Gum Speeds Surgery Recovery"—headline, HealthDayNews, Oct. 27

The Plutonium Diet Doesn't Work: "Finland Stomachs Nuclear Growth"—headline, Financial Times, Oct. 31  ¶ 8:36 PM

  "'I love you,' hums the April breeze..."

Study: Male Mice Sing When Females Near

By CHERYL WITTENAUER
The Associated Press

ST. LOUIS - Songbirds may be the Sinatras of the animal world, but male mice can carry a tune too, say Washington University researchers who were surprised by what they heard.  ¶ 8:13 PM

  Hey, even burglars get hungry...

Burglar Makes Pizza, Flees With $3,000
Nov. 1, 2005 - AP


SAN CLEMENTE, Calif. - A pizza parlor burglar paused to make a pizza before fleeing with $3,000.

A security camera showed the intruder playing pizza chef after breaking into Sonny's Pizza and Pasta through a bathroom window early Monday, said Lt. Ted Boyne of the Orange County Sheriff's Department.

The burglar put on an employee's shirt after entering the pizza parlor about 2 a.m., then he made a pizza, spreading sauce, cheese and pepperoni over the dough and placing it in the oven, the lieutenant said.

Employees arriving about 3 a.m. apparently scared him off before the pizza was ready, Boyne said. The burglar fled with about $3,000.  ¶ 5:36 PM

  The buck stopped here...

Wonder if they caught it on film?

Man Kills Buck With Bare Hands in Bedroom
Nov. 1, 2005 - AP

BENTONVILLE, Ark. - It looked like a crime scene, but no charges will be filed after Wayne Goldsberry killed a buck with his bare hands in his daughter's bedroom. The engagement lasted an exhausting 40 minutes, but Goldsberry finally subdued the five-point whitetail deer that crashed through a bedroom window at his daughter's home Friday.

When it was over, blood splattered the walls and the deer lay on the bedroom floor, its neck broken.  ¶ 5:34 PM