Just a few from James Taranto...

No Wonder We Can't Figure Out What They're Saying
"Humpback Whale Vocabulary More Elaborate Than Thought"--headline, LiveScience.com, Nov. 27

Our Guess Is He Didn't Do It Afterward
"Man May Have Killed Cellmate Before Killing Self, Officials Say"--headline, Associated Press, Nov. 29

The Report Found That . . . Oh, Look! A Squirrel!
"ADHD Study Results Are Released"--headline, United Press International, Nov. 29

So Who's Going to Fly the Planes?
"American Opposes Pilots on China Flights"--headline, Associated Press, Nov. 29

Bottom Stories of the Day:

"Student Studies in D.C."--headline, Acorn (Agoura Hills, Calif.), Nov. 30

"Swans Not Starving, Say Experts"--headline, South Tyneside (England) Today, Nov. 29

"Woman Sees Spider After Eating Grapes"--headline, Associated Press, Nov. 29

"Situation in Baghdad Disheartens Kulongoski"--headline, Oregonian, Nov. 30

"Kerry Says It's Time to Move On"--headline, Associated Press, Nov. 29  ¶ 11:56 AM

  Should be required reading for America's spoiled journalists...

Michelle Malkin's November 22 thoughts include this gem:

Give thanks we live in America, land of the free, home of the brave, where the media's elite journalists can leak top-secret information with impunity, win Pulitzer Prizes, cash in on lucrative book deals, routinely insult their readership and viewership, broadcast enemy propaganda, turn a blind eye to the victims of jihad, and cast themselves as oppressed victims on six-figure salaries.

God bless the U.S.A.  ¶ 11:34 AM

  A new way to get someone's goat...

Note Lt. Karst's keen sense of the obvious in the last paragraph...

Man accused of spray-painting 3 goats
Tue Nov 28, 10:26 PM ET - AP

MAHOPAC, N.Y. - A man broke into a barn on Thanksgiving morning, spray-painted three pet goats and scattered pages of pornographic magazines on the floor, apparently to harass the property owner, police said Tuesday.

Drew Gagnon, 37, of Mahopac, was arrested the next day and was charged with burglary, criminal trespass and animal cruelty, said Lt. Brian Karst, of the Carmel police force, which covers Mahopac. The man who drove Gagnon to the barn, Douglas Bisio, 34, of Mahopac, was charged with criminal facilitation, police said.

"Obviously it's not an occurrence you see every day," Karst said. "I think it was a situation where this harassment got out of hand."  ¶ 10:32 AM

  You have to be kidding me...

Judge: Make Bills Recognizable to Blind
Nov 28 6:10 PM US/Eastern
By MATT APUZZO
Associated Press Writer

WASHINGTON

The government discriminates against blind people by printing money that all looks and feels the same, a federal judge said Tuesday in a ruling that could change the face of American currency.

U.S. District Judge James Robertson ordered the Treasury Department to come up with ways for the blind to tell bills apart. He said he wouldn't tell officials how to fix the problem, but he ordered them to begin working on it.  ¶ 10:16 AM

  Let's just do Bottom Stories today...

From James Taranto...

Bottom Stories of the Day:

"Wash. Ski Resorts Welcome Snow"--headline, Associated Press, Nov. 24

" 'I Hate This Job,' Says Dallas Fast-Food Worker"--headline, Dallas Morning News, Nov. 26

"Marriage Amendment Shouldn't Affect Hmong"--headline, Wausau (Wis.) Daily Herald, Nov. 27

"No New Information Found in Yeshiva Paint-Ball Attack"--headline, Asbury Park (N.J.) Press, Nov. 28

"Plans for ABBA Museum Unveiled in Sweden"--headline, Associated Press, Nov. 28

"Utah Stays the Course"--headline, Salt Lake City Tribune, Nov. 27

"Jimmy Carter Urges Canada to Press Israel"--headline, Canadian Press, Nov. 27  ¶ 10:12 AM

  An annual favorite...

We always enjoy this one, especially since Dave is no longer writing a column...

DAVE BARRY ANNUAL GIFT GUIDE

Last year, we picked up on one of Dave's suggestions...  ¶ 11:54 AM

  A dose of James Taranto today...

Don't Tell His Wife
"Husband Mourns Slain N.J. Prostitute"--headline, Associated Press, Nov. 25

'Hey, I Know You! You're the Brat Who Dialed 911!'
"Five-Year-Old Recognized for Dialing 911"--headline, Kalona (Iowa) News, Nov. 21

The Studio in Fairbanks Was Closed
"Arctic Gull Recorded in Southern Calif."--headline, Associated Press, Nov. 24

Fond Thanksgiving Memories
"Ohio Firm Recalls Turkey and Ham"--headline, Reuters, Nov. 24

Stripes Were Fashionable Last Year
"Testicle Checks 'Now More Common' "--headline, BBC.co.uk, Nov. 26

News You Can Use:

"Don't Rake Leaves to Clog Storm Drains"--headline, Asbury Park (N.J.) Press, Nov. 25

"Cheer Up: You Hold Key to Being Happy"--headline, Seattle Times, Nov. 27

Bottom Stories of the Day:

"AWOL Soldier Says Army Ignoring Him"--headline, Associated Press, Nov. 25

"Phil Donahue Makes Anti-War Film"--headline, FoxNews.com, Nov. 27

"Protester Immolation Virtually Unnoticed"--headline, Associated Press, Nov. 26

"Yoko Ono Calls for World Peace"--headline, News.com.au, Nov. 27  ¶ 4:23 PM

  Ya think?

As Power Shifts in New Congress, Pork May Linger

By DAVID D. KIRKPATRICK
Published: November 26, 2006  ¶ 7:55 PM

  They should change the name to "Cheesypeake"

I picked up on this story from Randy Cassingham's "This is True." Read it to see how one city is competing for this year's Sleaziest Municipal Government Award...

Chesapeake sells chesapeake.com name for $120,000

By MIKE GRUSS, The Virginian-Pilot
© October 26, 2006  ¶ 8:46 AM

  Shocking news....

New security flaw for Firefox and IE
By CNET News.com Staff
Published: November 22, 2006 2:03 PM PST  ¶ 5:05 PM

  Great James Taranto headlines...

Don't Ask, Don't Tell
"Gender-Bending Boy Fruit Flies Fight Like Girls"--headline, Reuters, Nov. 19

McCain: More Troops Need to Die for a Failed Policy

"McCain Says U.S. Troops Dying for 'Failed Policy' in Iraq"--headline, Bloomberg, Nov. 19

"McCain Says More Troops Needed in Iraq"--headline, Associated Press, Nov. 19

Now There's a Shocker--I
"Mitt Romney Tops 2008 Poll in Utah"--headline, NewsMax.com, Nov. 19

Now There's a Shocker--II
"Bush's Nominees for Judgeships to Be Conservative"--headline, Washington Times, Nov. 18

What Would We Do Without Scientists?
"Scientists Find Genetic Differences Between Humans, Chimps"--headline, Daily Californian (University of California, Berkeley), Nov. 17

What Would We Do Without Fire Officials?
"Fire Officials Warn Deep-Fried Turkey Can Be Delicious, but Dangerous"--headline, Associated Press, Nov. 18

More Often Than Once?
"Elderly Dying From Falls More Often"--headline, Associated Press, Nov. 16

France May Finally Get a Leader
"Frenchwoman May Be First to Lead France"--headline, Associated Press, Nov. 17

That's a Lot of Dead Yachts
"Woman Convicted of 2 Counts of Murder in 2004 Yacht Killings"--headline, Daily Breeze (Torrance, Calif.), Nov. 18

Bottom Stories of the Day:

* "Canadian Retailers Divided Over O.J. Simpson Book"--headline, CBC.ca, Nov. 17

* "West Richland Bond Fan Has Been Grabbing Up All Things 007 for 25 Years"--headline, Tri-City Herald (Kennewick, Wash.), Nov. 17

* "Pedestrian and Driver Get Into a Parking Tiff at Bayshore"--headline, Milwaukee Journal Sentinel, Nov. 18

* "Hans Blix to Serve on Ski Ethics Panel"--headline, Associated Press, Nov. 20  ¶ 10:35 AM

  Candidate for "Product of the Year"...

What a hoot!


  ¶ 10:11 AM

  Some headlines from James Taranto...

So a Guy Walks Into a Bar and Gets Shot
"Authorities Seek Gunman After Victim Shot by Bar"--headline, Times (Trenton, N.J.), Nov. 15

Or at Least Draw a Mustache on It
"Senators Urged to Add Teeth to FDA Bill"--headline, Associated Press, Nov. 16

It Doesn't Get a Lot of Repeat Business, Though
"Youth Suicide Program Works: Study"--headline, Australian, Nov. 17

This Seems an Odd Pick
"Civil Rights Institute to Honor Cotton"--headline, Birmingham (Ala.) News, Nov. 17

News You Can Use
"Careful Where You Choose to Consummate Your Love"--headline, FoxNews.com, Nov. 16

Bottom Stories of the Day:

"Ricky Martin Not Joining Adoption Craze"--headline, United Press International, Nov. 16

"Area Avoids Tornado"--headline, Times (Trenton, N.J.), Nov. 17

"Library Says It Hasn't Received Patriot Act Requests"--headline, Daily Princetonian (Princeton University), Nov. 17  ¶ 8:03 PM

  Life as a cliché...

November 03, 2006 04:06 pm

Cliché Day: When 1,000 words is worth a picture (or story)

Eddie Glenn
Tahlequah Daily Press

Every dog has his day.

And evidently, so does every minuscule detail of modern society, including the cliché.

Not to beat around the bush about it; we’ll just come right out and tell you that, as hard as this fact may be to swallow, today is National Cliché Day.

Really, we’re not just yanking your chain. We wouldn’t pull your leg about something as serious as National Cliché Day.

In fact, the Daily Press has left no stone unturned to keep you up to date on this special day. Being in the business of piecing together words and phrases – and buying ink by the barrel – this is a day after our own hearts. Plus, writing about such important events is all in a day’s work around here.

But we’re not all talk and no action. We beat the streets to find some folks to speak their minds about National Cliché Day – to air their dirty laundry, so to speak.
“National Cliché Day?” asked Andy Jenson, before laughing so hard one would’ve thought that just the idea of a day dedicated to clichés was funnier than a barrel of monkeys. “Well, if that ain’t the cat’s meow!”

Jenson doesn’t have a “favorite” cliché, but there are a few he’d just as soon never hear again.

“I always hated the one, ‘robbing Peter to pay Paul,’” he said, followed by a few moments of awkward silence as everyone present tried to figure out what it is about that particular cliché that sticks in Jenson’s craw.

“What’s the matter, cat got your tongue?” he asked.

Marcus Jones has a least-favorite cliché, too – one he says he heard quite often this past summer.

“‘It’s not the heat, it’s the humidity,’” Jones recited. “No kidding? The humidity? Hot is hot, it doesn’t matter what’s causing it. I don’t feel a damn bit cooler just because I’ve been informed by some meteorological genius that it’s the humidity making me hot, not the heat.”

Jones added however, that one cliché has always been a bit confusing for him.

“Is it ‘I could care less,’ or ‘I couldn’t care less’?” he asked, although he conceded that he could (or couldn’t) care less about the answer: He’d accept whichever ones means “less concern.”

“Because if you could care less, that means you’ve still got some concern about whatever, but if you couldn’t care less, you’ve already hit rock bottom, as far as concern is concerned.”

(For those who actually do care about such things, the appropriate phrase is “I couldn’t care less.”)

American Heritage Dictionary defines a cliché as “a trite expression or idea.” It defines “trite” as “overused and commonplace; lacking interest or originality.”
So there you have it: Clear as mud. But is lack of interest or originality really such a bad thing?

The Web site findarticles.com actually has suggestions for school teachers on how to celebrate National Cliché Day in their classrooms. (Honest, they do! We’re not trying to pull the wool over your eyes here.)

The site suggests sponsoring a rap contest with a prize for the rapper who most cleverly incorporates clichés into a rap song.

The most cleverly used clichés?

Now that’s original. Only it isn’t. It all gets so confusing.

“I like clichés,” said Kelly Wood, who said one of his favorite songs is a Bruce Springsteen tune with lyrics that feature cliché after cliché, including, “every cloud has a silver lining,” “the early bird gets the worm,” “a winner never quits and a quitter never wins,” “and Rome wasn’t built in a day.”

“Cliches are kind of like a common artistic language we all understand,” said Wood. “They’re overused for a reason: They work, and they tend to be true. Rome really wasn’t built in a day.”

And there you have it: the long and the short of clichés. And hopefully, by the time National Cliché Day is over, a good time will have been had by all.  ¶ 12:32 AM

  A better mouse trap?

Jet-lagged mice die young, U.S. study finds
Mon Nov 6, 5:01 PM ET

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - Jet-lagged mice die younger, researchers said on Monday in a study that suggests that working unusual shifts and flying back and forth across time zones takes a permanent toll on health.

Tests on more than 100 mice showed that old mice forced to live on a confusing schedules of light and darkness, simulating rotating shifts or international travel, died sooner than those on gentler schedules.  ¶ 5:00 PM

  High crimes and misdemeanors...

Lawsuit: N.M. police ate pot burgers
Tue Nov 7, 12:36 AM ET - AP

ALBUQUERQUE - Two police officers have sued Burger King Corp., claiming they were served hamburgers that had been sprinkled with marijuana.

The lawsuit says Mark Landavazo and Henry Gabaldon, officers for the Isleta Pueblo tribal police, were in uniform and riding in a marked patrol car when they bought meals at the drive-through lane Oct. 8 of a Burger King restaurant in Los Lunas, N.M.

The officers ate about half of their burgers before discovering marijuana on the meat, the lawsuit said. They used a field test kit to confirm the substance was pot, then went to a hospital for medical evaluations.

"It gives a whole new meaning to the word 'Whopper,'" the officers' attorney, Sam Bregman, said Monday. "The idea that these hoodlums would put marijuana into a hamburger and therefore attempt to impair law enforcement officers trying to do their jobs is outrageous."

Three Burger King employees were arrested and charged with possession of marijuana and aggravated battery on an officer, a felony. They later were indicted.  ¶ 4:56 PM

  Time for Taranto...

Um, Maybe to Stay Alive?
"Wansnik Wants to Find Out Why We Eat"--headline, Pantagraph (Bloomington, Ill.), Nov. 5

You Don't Say
"Silent Plane Would Cut Airport Noise"--headline, CNN.com, Nov. 6

Bottom Stories of the Day:

"No Iranian Newspaper Publishes Cartoon"--headline, Associated Press, Nov. 2

"NY Times Endorses No Republicans for U.S. Congress"--headline, Reuters, Nov. 5

"UN Criticizes Saddam Hussein's Death Penalty"--headline, Jerusalem Post, Nov. 5

"EU President Finland Says Saddam Should Not Hang"--headline, Reuters, Nov. 5  ¶ 4:52 PM

  Terrorist tot detected. World a safer place...

Toddler gets travel ban, arrest warrant: paper
Mon Nov 6, 2006 8:18 AM ET

DUBAI (Reuters) - A two-year-old boy was briefly banned from boarding a Turkey-bound flight in the United Arab Emirates after his name appeared on a list of wanted suspects, a newspaper reported Saturday.

Emirates Today said the boy's passport details, including the date of birth, matched those in an arrest warrant. The reason for the mix-up was not known.

"While going through the passport checking procedures to get on board, one of the officers on duty said they wanted to take Suhail," Emirates Today quoted the boy's father, Abdullah Mohamed Saleh, as saying.

"I thought he was kidding me and said 'Take him if you want'," he said. "He showed me a print-out of a document that said Suhail was wanted and there was an arrest warrant for him."

Officials said they would investigate the incident, the paper reported.  ¶ 12:03 PM

  No lawn is complete without this...

SQUATTING GNOME

Nature's calling!

Be the envy of your neighbors. Classic 7x7" Plastic Garden Gnome in a rather interesting pose. Perfect for the garden. You could even use it to liven up your office cube!  ¶ 7:52 PM

  From Argus Hamilton...

National Association of Evangelicals leader Reverend Ted Haggard was accused Thursday of paying for sex with a man in Colorado Springs for three years. He quickly denied the charge. If it's true he could get two to forty years in Congress.

Hillary Clinton campaigned for re-election in New York Thursday with a giant lead in the polls. Photographs of the senator onstage show her wearing a cross around her neck. Republicans may roll their eyes over it, but it keeps John Kerry in his casket.  ¶ 2:04 PM

  Darwin Awards...

Here are this some other year's Darwin Awards -- the annual honor given to the person who improved the gene pool the most by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. As always, competition this year has been keen. And the candidates this whatever year that was are:

MICHIGAN... In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

CALIFORNIA... A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran," accidentally jogged off a 100-foot-high cliff on his daily run.

NORTH CAROLINA... Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beach-goers said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach on the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

CALIFORNIA... Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

DELAWARE... Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in Selbyville, Del, as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

HONORABLE MENTION:

NEW JERSEY... Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, NJ, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, when a quarter-stick of dynamite blew up in their car. While driving around 2 AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but apparently failed to notice the window was closed.

RUNNER UP:

WASHINGTON... Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of the cable was secured around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy river water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen.

"All I can say" said Bingham, "is that God was watching out for me on that night. There's just no other explanation for it." Bingham's foot was never located.

AND THE WINNER:

FROM G-E-R-M-A-N-Y .. is.... Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn, Germany) fed his constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally let it fly, and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop! Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him. "The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him" said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. "With no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves that shit happens!"  ¶ 12:06 PM

  And speaking of USB devices...

You gotta check out the English language skills of the guy who wrote the description of this:




"Time of the child, the world of of the micro which was seen with class of the science. You became the adult, now, it doesn't try looking the world of the micro? The Dino Digital microscope, with USB connection and is seen with TV connection, it is the digital microscope! Connecting to the being able to connect, television with the personal computer, just a little you saw to be, mono putting, if it adjusts focus, the world of of the micro which appears in the large picture! Rolling to the side of the desk, you just look at the ? label paper, the fiber being visible, well enough it is the surprise! ! Not to be the meaning which it tries looking, because it indicates in the screen of the personal computer and the large screen of the television, while enjoying with everyone, it probably will enjoy science, how, how is?"  ¶ 11:09 AM

  A few from James Taranto...

This Just In
"Kerry Is Not as Smart as He Thinks"--headline, Daily Telegraph (London), Nov. 2

About Time They Hired Someone to Clean Up This Mess
"Woman May Be City's First Trash Collector"--headline, Journal Times (Racine, Wis.), Nov. 1

Tennis, Anyone?
"Too Much English on Net, Warns Expert"--headline, Australian, Nov. 2

News You Can Use
"Clubbing With Bat Causes Major Head Injuries"--headline, San Diego Union Tribune, Nov. 1

Bottom Stories of the Day:

"Many Ginseng-Based Cold Remedy Claims Unproven, Expert Says"--headline, CBC.ca, Nov. 1

"Two Grandparents Voting Opposite"--headline, Herald Times Reporter (Manitowoc, Wis.), Nov. 2

"Anna Nicole Smith Had Pain in Her Side"--headline, Associated Press, Nov. 1

"No Mud Flung in Race for House in Vt."--headline, Associated Press, Nov. 2  ¶ 11:00 AM

  Another useful useless USB device...

Just in time for the holiday season:

  ¶ 4:54 PM

  You gotta love our troops...they're a lot funnier than John Kerry!

  ¶ 11:21 AM

  Just so you don't forget what the moron said...

John Kerry (at Pasadena City College on October 30, 2006):

"You know, education--if you make the most of it, you study hard, you do your homework, and you make an effort to be smart, uh, you can do well. If you don't, you get stuck in Iraq."

Guess that's why he reported for duty (for a brief period to shoot the wounded) in Vietnam. He didn't do his homework...  ¶ 8:31 PM