From James Taranto...

What Would Thieves Do Without Police?:"Vehicles Left Running Are an Open Invitation to Thieves, Police Warn"--headline, Minneapolis Star Tribune, Dec. 1
What Would Adolescent Brains Do Without Studies, Man?:"Heavy Marijuana Use Damages Adolescent Brains--Study"--headline, Reuters, Nov. 30
It's Light as a Feather!:"Justices Weigh Parental Notification Law"--headline, Associated Press, Dec. 1
Adeus, Brazil!:"Brazil Moves to Protect Amazon Tribe"--headline, Associated Press, Nov. 30
Messiah Averts Naval Battle:"Novi Sub Backs Off, Baby Jesus Stays Put"--headline, Detroit News, Nov. 30
'If I Told You You Have a Heavenly Body, Would You Hold It Against Me?':"Scientists Make Small Advances in Dating Moon"--headline, San Diego Union-Tribune, Nov. 29
What Would We Do Without Lloyd's of London?:"Lloyd's of London: Storms May Cause Loss"--headline, Associated Press, Nov. 30
You Don't Say:"Gravity Played Role in New Orleans' Bridge Failure"--headline, press release, University of Missouri-Rolla, Nov. 28
E.T., Téléphone à la Maison:"France Toughens Controls on Aliens"--healdine, Washington Times, Nov. 30
Cubic Zirconium Is Fragile:"Phony Marriage Ring Busted"--headline, FoxNews.com, Nov. 30
You're Fired At:"Next 'Apprentice' to Be Shot in Calif."--headline, Associated Press, Nov. 29  ¶ 9:35 PM