What would we do without James Taranto's newspulper headlines?

Headlines We'd Like to See
"Gore Calms Down After Tasting Fame"--headline, Arizona Republic, Feb. 3

Whatever You Do, Don't Tell Anyone!
"Mayor Michael Bloomberg . . . anonymously donated $100 million Thursday to Johns Hopkins University to support stem cell research. . . . A person familiar with his philanthropy confirmed the latest $100 million gift on condition of anonymity, citing Bloomberg's desire for privacy."--Associated Press, Feb. 2

'Do You Solemnly Swear--Ah, Heck, You Know the Drill'
"Black, Decker Receive Elections Board Subpoenas to Testify"--headline, Associated Press, Feb. 2

What Would Small Children Do Without Grand Juries?
"Tasers Not Recommended to Subdue Small Children, Grand Jury Says"--headline, Associated Press, Feb. 2

We Blame the Neocon Cabal
"Don't Blame the Vultures for Devouring What's Dead"--headline, Houston Chronicle, Feb. 3

But Is There Spumoni on Mars?
"Water Ice Detected on Comet's Surface"--headline, Space.com, Feb. 2

Bottom Story of the Day
"Road Salt May Be Sickening Alaska Pigeons"--headline, Associated Press, Feb. 1  ¶ 4:13 PM