Headlines from James Taranto...

Getting Serious About Education, at Last
"Connecticut to Hire Reading Instructor for Schools"--headline, Associated Press, May 5

Pretty Impressive Range, Though
"China Warns Tourists Against Spitting Overseas"--headline, Reuters, May 5

In That Case, Why Not Turn More Gorillas Loose?
"After Gorilla Escape, Dallas Gets Safer"--headline, Associated Press, May 6

Help Wanted
"Killers Sought With 'Sense of Urgency' "--headline, Arizona Republic, May 7

What Would South Florida Do Without Scientists?
"Katrina-Size Hurricane Would Devastate South Florida, Scientists Say"--headline, Knight Ridder, May 6

Thanks for the Tip!--LXXI
"Health Tip: Prevent Hemorrhoids"--headline, HealthDayNews, May 8

You Can Never Be . . .

"Bill Gates Wishes He Weren't So Rich"--headline, Reuters, May 4

"Nicole Richie Admits She's 'Too Thin' "--headline, MSNBC.com, May 4

Bottom Stories of the Day

"Queens Man Fails to Deliver Spiderman Comics"--headline, WINS-AM Web site (New York), May 5

"Cdn.-Owned Horse Doesn't Capture Kentucky Derby"--headline, CTV Web site (Canada), May 6

"Ashlee Simpson Not Rushing to Get Married"--headline, Associated Press, May 7

"Tom Cruise Gets Serious About Mother's Day"--headline, MSNBC.com, May 8

"Family Kicked Out of Buffet Restaurant"--headline, Associated Press, May 4

"Denise Richards Ends Friendship With Heather Locklear"--headline, FoxNews.com, May 5

"Vince Vaughn Sort Of Talks About Aniston"--headline, Associated Press, May 4

"Duck Makes Nest at Pa. Construction Site"--headline, Associated Press, May 4  ¶ 3:47 PM