James Taranto's headlines...

Fun With Dick and Jane
"Cat Catches Bat, Bat Has Rabies, Bat Put Down"--headline, RadioIowa.com, Aug. 25

Hard to Believe Anyone Was Looking at Their Eyebrows
"Nude Teens Raise Eyebrows in Vermont Town"--headline, Reuters, Aug. 24

If You Want to Keep Something Precious, Got to Lock It Up and Throw Away the Key
"Sting Rounds Up 25 Foreigners for Sex Crimes"--headline, WorldNetDaily, Aug. 25

How It Got in the Disguise We'll Never Know
"Crooks Rob Bank Disguised as Construction Workers"--headline, WTTG-TV Web site (Washington), Aug. 24

'The Bad News Is, I'm a Little Bit Pregnant'
"Partial Victory for Morning After Pill"--headline, Detroit Free Press, Aug. 25

News You Can Use
"TRAVELER'S CHECK: If You Live Near Airport, Expect Noise"--headline, Arkansas Democrat Gazette (Northwest Arkansas edition), Aug. 28

Bottom Stories of the Day

"Canoe Flips, Canoeists OK"--headline, WOOD-TV Web site (Grand Rapids, Mich.), Aug. 26

"Lee Overcomes Sniffles"--headline, Columbus Dispatch, Aug. 27

"Farmers' Almanac Predicts a Cold Winter"--headline, Boston Globe, Aug. 28

"Former US President Carter 'Disappointed' With Blair"--headline, Voice of America Web site, Aug. 27  ¶ 5:14 PM