Time for James Taranto's newspaper headlines...

What Would We Do Without Analyses?
"Analysis: Mideast Conflict Complicated"--headline, Associated Press, Aug. 4

We Didn't Know Mountains Were Bad
"Taller Mountains Blamed on Global Warming, Too"--headline, LiveScience.com, Aug. 4

You Don't Say
"Cooler Air Brings Relief From Heat Wave"--headline, Associated Press, Aug. 4

None of Us Are Getting Any Younger:

"S.F.'s Homeless Aging on the Street"--headline, San Francisco Chronicle, Aug. 4

"Astronomers Say Universe May Be Bigger and Older"--headline, Los Angeles Times, Aug. 5

Despite Increasing Crime, Prison Population Declines!
"Mass Pardon for Convicts in Italy Leads to a Crime Wave"--headline, Independent (London), Aug. 6

Uhhh, Maybe Because They Don't Like Being in Prison?
"Why Do Prisoners Keep Breaking Out?"--headline, "Good Morning America" section, ABCNews.com, Aug. 5

News You Can Use
"Travellers Are Cautioned to Be Aware of French Donkeys That Are Derailing Trains"--headline, Polish Outlook, August 2006

What Would We Do Without Studies?
"Study: NYC Street Fairs All the Same"--headline, Associated Press, Aug. 6

What Would Teens Do Without Sexual Lyrics?
"Sexual Lyrics Prompt Teens to Have Sex"--headline, Associated Press, Aug. 7

We're Pretty Sure It Doesn't Work on Men
"Sen. George Allen Turns to Plan B"--headline, News Virginian (Waynesboro, Va.), Aug. 6

A Modest Proposal
"Kobayashi Sets Brat-Eating Record"--headline, Associated Press, Aug. 5

Bottom Stories of the Day

"N.H. Woman Bakes Cookies on Dashboard"--headline, Associated Press, Aug. 3

"Bicyclist Won't Face Misdemeanor Charge"--headline, Seattle Times, Aug. 5

"Selah Woman Relieved to Recover Pet Tortoise"--headline, Associated Press, Aug. 7

"Iraq Protester Sheehan Returns to Crawford"--headline, Reuters, Aug. 6  ¶ 6:10 PM