A dose of James Taranto...

We Guess It Wasn't 'Don't Move!'
"Dead Man Ignored Police Order"--headline, Arizona Republic, Sept. 23

Look Out Below!
"They Asked for a Bathroom, but Got a Loft"--headline, New York Times, Sept. 28

Celebs Should Stay Away From Trans-Fats
"Cosmic Doughnuts Linked to Massive Stars"--headline, CNN.com, Sept. 28

Blind Rage
"Man Allegedly Seeks Revenge Over Glasses"--headline, Associated Press, Sept. 28

Good News for the Saints
"Experts: Collier Rural Land Plan Puts Panthers at Risk"--headline, Naples (Fla.) News, Sept. 29

Bottom Stories of the Day:

"Green Party Hopefuls Plan Mtn. View Campaign Forum"--headline, San Jose Mercury News, Sept. 28

"Woman Finally Cures Her 40-Year Fear of Vegetables"--headline, Daily Telegraph (London), Sept. 29

"Pine Lane Home Is Completely Renovated"--headline, Daily News Transcript (Norwood, Mass.), Sept. 29**

"Cat Stuck in Pipe Amuses Schoolchildren"--headline, El Paso Times, Sept. 29

"Friday Temple Mount Prayers Uneventful"--headline, Jerusalem Post, Sept. 29

"Racial Backlash Absent in Convicted Killer's Hometown"--headline, Associated Press, Sept. 28

"False Alarm at Governor's Mansion"--headline, Argus Leader (Sioux Falls, S.D.), Sept. 29

"Herald Owner Hurts Hand in Fishing Mishap"--headline, Boston Herald, Sept. 29  ¶ 1:50 PM