Time for some James Taranto newspaper headlines...

Things Not to Do if You're a Duck
"Ducks to Test Coyotes' Toughness"--headline, East Valley Tribune (Mesa, Ariz.), Oct. 7

After Dispatching the Yankees, They're Negotiating From Strength
"Tigers Agree to Resume Peace Talks"--headline, CNN.com, Oct. 10

Why Do You Think They Call It Dogma?
"Pets Gaining Recognition in Places of Worship"--headline, National Geographic News. Oct. 6

Isn't the Real News That They Found Atlantis?
"Tiny Hole Found in Atlantis"--headline, Toronto Daily News, Oct. 6

When He Loses a Suit, He Loses a Suit!
"Prosecutor Naked at Work"--headline, Enquirer (Cincinnati), Oct. 10

Bridge Supports
"Bras Will Span Susquehanna River"--headline, Daily Item (Sunbury, Pa.), Oct. 8

Those Were Some Fiiine Leaves
"Foxy Lettuce Recalled"--headline, Toronto Sun, Oct. 9

'Take a Deep Breath and Think. What Were You Doing When You Saw It Last?'
"FDA Urges Calm Over Lettuce Recall"--headline, HealthDay.com, Oct. 9

At Least It Boiled
"Firefighters: Unwatched Pot Started Abbeville Fire"--headline, WYFF-TV Web site (Greenville, S.C.), Oct. 8

Thanks for the Tip!--CX
"Health Tip: Protect Your Lips"--headline, HealthDay.com, Oct. 11

Bottom Stories of the Day:

"Sisters who seldom see each other end up in same room"--subheadline, Lubbock (Texas) Avalanche-Journal, Oct. 10

"Apex Fire Has Little Effect on Duke Community"--headline, Duke Chronicle, Oct. 11

"Remedial Classes Not Leading Many to College Degrees"--headline, Columbus Dispatch, Oct. 10

"2nd Man Not Arrested in Oct. 2 Beating"--headline, Newark (Ohio) Advocate, Oct. 11

"The Balloon Fiesta Is the Largest Portable Toilet Event in the State"--headline, Albuquerque Tribune, Oct. 7

"Instructor Who Doubts 9/11 Compares Bush to Hitler"--headline, Associated Press, Oct. 11  ¶ 9:59 AM