Have some James Taranto, please...

First in War, First in Peace, First in Sensitivity Training
"Washington Enters Therapy After Gay Slur"--headline, Journal Gazette (Fort Wayne, Ind.), Jan. 25

'We Can Work It Out, We Can Work It Out'
"Song in Beijing to Boost Mood for Nuke Talks"--headline, Korea Times, Jan. 25

'He Didn't Tell Me My Finger Was Loaded!'
"Lawyers Point Fingers in Fatal Shooting"--headline, Denver Post, Jan. 25

They Can Put a Man on the Moon, but . . .
"Scientists Can't Get Sloth to Move"--headline, Associated Press, Jan. 24

Our Guess: Gravity
"Garner Tells How Ring Fell Into a Drain"--headline, Associated Press, Jan. 24

Or Maybe Not
"Future of Pfizer Plant Could Be Good or Bad"--headline, Ann Arbor (Mich.) News, Jan. 24

News You Can Use

"NEW JERSEY: Don't Eat the Squirrels, State Warns"--headline, Courier News (Bridgewater, N.J.), Jan. 25

"Never Give an Iguana Viagra"--headline, Reuters, Jan. 25

Bottom Stories of the Day

"Boy, 6, Abruptly Leaves School Without Coat"--headline, KMBC-TV Web site (Kansas City), Jan. 23

"Police Won't Use $140 Million Radio System"--headline, New York Times, Jan. 25

"School District Wants Its Money"--headline, Chicago Sun-Times, Jan. 25

"Sarandon Bored by Bush's Iraq Pitch"--headline, Associated Press, Jan. 24

"Cheney: Hillary Wouldn't Make Good President"--headline, NewsMax.com, Jan. 24  ¶ 9:57 AM