Taranto's headlines...

What Would My Bum Do Without Experts?
"Does My Bum Look Big in This? Now You Can Ask the Experts!"--headline, Evening Times (Glasgow, Scotland), Dec. 27

The Bar Owner Wasn't Using It Anyway
"Christian Attorney Hails Judge's Decision to Throw Out Nude Bar Owner's Suit"--headline, Agape Press, Dec. 23

Sounds Like Quite a Slap
"French Hand, Face Transplant Patients Meet"--headline, Associated Press, Dec. 23

Bottom Story of the Day
"Authorities Say Bird Wasn't Cause of Oprah Plane Mishap"--headline, Associated Press, Dec. 28

Isn't It Too Late by Then?
"Rail Operator Begs Motorists to Take Care After Death"--headline, New Zealand Herald, Dec. 24

What Would Most Kids Do Without Pediatricians?
"Most Kids Will Outgrow Bedwetting: Pediatricians"--headline, Reuters, Dec. 26

She Has Her Maternal Grandmother's White Hair
"Sheep Part of Ancestry of Association Leader"--healdine, Billings (Mont.) Gazette, Dec. 27

Drunkenness, However, Has Been Known to Cure Work
"No Evidence That Hangover Cures Work"--headline, Daily Times (Lahore, Pakistan), Dec. 25  ¶ 5:17 PM

  But did playing the didgeridoo keep them awake?

Want to stop snoring? Try the didgeridoo
Fri Dec 23, 2005 - Reuters

Kept awake at night by a snoring partner? The answer to your woes could lie -- believe it or not -- with the Australian didgeridoo.

Researchers in Switzerland examined 25 patients who suffered from snoring and moderate obstructive sleep apnoea syndrome, both common sleep disorders.

Half the group were given daily lessons in playing the didgeridoo, a wind instrument about 1.5 metres (yards) long which originated in northern Australia and is traditionally made from the trunk of a tree hollowed out by termites.

The study, published in the British Medical Journal's online edition on Friday, found that those who played the unusual instrument over a four-month trial period saw a significant improvement in their daytime sleepiness and apnoea.

Their partners also reported less disturbance from snoring.  ¶ 12:41 PM

  Not too late for this year's Darwin Award...

Pickpocket seized at German police Christmas party
Fri Dec 23, 2005

BERLIN (Reuters) - Police in Berlin made their easiest arrest of the year at their annual Christmas party, after spotting a man rummaging through the pockets of their coats in the cloakroom.

Officers of the Federal Police criminal investigations unit said the unlucky pickpocket had not known that the revellers in a Berlin brewery were law enforcers.  ¶ 12:37 PM

  James Taranto's headlines...

What Would We Do Without Hot Air Balloon Experts?
"Hot Air Balloon Experts Say Safety Should Be First"--headline, KESQ-TV Web site (Palm Springs, Calif.), Dec. 21

What Would Teens Do Without Wisconsin Studies?
"Wisconsin Study: Teens Play It Safe but Still Take Risks"--headline, WAOW-TV Web site (Wausau, Wis.), Dec. 21

Thanks for the Tip!--XXVIII
"Health Tip: Teen Years Can Be Tough"--headline, HealthDayNews, Dec. 22

Give Me the Bad News First, Doc
"Study: Impotence Can Warn of Heart Disease"--headline, Associated Press, Dec. 22

That's One Talented Calf
"Moose Captured After Son Plays Saxophone"--headline, Associated Press, Dec. 20

Next They'll Count Moose With Saxophones
"India to Count Tigers With Computers"--headline, Reuters, Dec. 21

The First Thing We Do, Let's Kill All the Lawyers
"Lawyers: Don't Let Doctors Perform Executions"--headline, Atlanta Journal-Constitution, Dec. 21  ¶ 9:12 PM

  From James Taranto...

Thanks for the Tip!--XXVII
"Health Tip: Go for a Sleigh Ride"--headline, HealthDayNews, Dec. 20

What Would We Do Without Experts?
"Experts Warn Against Letting Space Heaters Lead to Fires"--headline, Radio Iowa Web site, Dec. 17

What Would We Do Without Scientists?
"Scientists Find Sand on Seafloor"--headline, News.com.au, Dec. 20

What Would Chimps Fool Without Experts?
"Chimp's Painting Fools Experts"--headline, News.com.au, Dec. 19

  ¶ 9:46 PM

  If you thought "Bad Santa" was just a movie...

Drunken Santas run riot in Auckland
Saturday, December 17, 2005

WELLINGTON, New Zealand (AP) -- A group of 40 people dressed in Santa Claus outfits, many of them drunk, went on a rampage through Auckland, New Zealand's largest city, robbing stores, assaulting security guards and urinating from highway overpasses, police said Sunday.

The rampage, dubbed "Santarchy," began early Saturday afternoon when the men, wearing ill-fitting Santa costumes, threw beer bottles and urinated on cars from an overpass, said Auckland Central Police spokesman Noreen Hegarty.  ¶ 8:27 PM

  What would we do without experts?

...to borrow a line from James Taranto. Anyhow, here's one I found on my own:

"During a Tornado, a Mobile Home Is Worst Place to Be; Flee Mobile Homes If You Can, Experts Say" — Indianapolis Star headline  ¶ 9:26 PM

  Here comes the boss...look busy!

I guess I need to stop ranting about all of the USB accessories on the market and just accept them. This is the latest entry, darts you can launch from your desktop at co-workers. As the site says,

This fun USB missile launcher plugs into your PC to provide light relief during the working day!

Place the launcher on the desk near to your computer. Install the spftware, then use your keyboard to adjust the direction and angle of launch. Once you have selected your target, the fire button will activate a sound effect and launch a missile.

Fire one...fire two...fire three!  ¶ 9:19 AM

  Scare the #@$% out of everyone with the...

TOILET MONSTER

"Your guests will shriek with glee when they lift the lid and up pops this humorous red demon. Stays in place beneath the seat, suction cup arms attach to lid, completely invisible when lid is closed, install before your next party and stand back to enjoy the fun!"

Is this a great country or what?  ¶ 7:10 AM

  Time for Taranto...

What Would Experts Do Without Experts?: "Experts Hire Expert to Help With Nevada Highway Study"--headline, Pahrump Valley Times, Dec. 7
What Would Passengers Do Without Airport Officials?: "Airport Officials Remind Passengers to Keep Guns at Home"--headline, WWL-TV Web site (New Orleans), Dec. 8
Thanks for the Tip!--XXIV: "Health Tip: Don't Dive Into Disaster"--headline, HealthDayNews, Dec. 8
Thanks for the Tip!--XXIII: "Health Tip: Don't Be Afraid to Ask Questions About Your Health"--headline, HealthDayNews, Dec. 7
Let Them Eat Cake: "Skepticism Seems to Erode Europeans' Faith in Rice"--headline, New York Times, Dec. 7
Her AAA Membership Paid Off:
"Evangelist Graham's Daughter Gets Deal on Battery Charge"--headline, South Florida Sun-Sentinel, Dec. 6
'I'd Kill for a Drink Right Now': "Murderer Denied Admission to Bar in Ariz."--headline, Associated Press, Dec. 7
The Plumber's Coveralls or the Tweed Three-Piece?: "Court Favors Doctors in Lesbian's Suit"--headline, San Diego Union-Tribune, Dec. 3
Bottom Story of the Day: "Stocks Are Barely Mixed on Little News"--headline, Associated Press, Dec. 7  ¶ 9:14 PM

  Will someone get a flashlight so we can find these guys?!?!??

String of light-pole thefts around the city leaves officials in the dark -- Baltimore Sun  ¶ 8:38 PM

  James Taranto wraps up the week...

Thanks for the Tip!--XXI: "Health Tip: Skateboard Safely"--headline, HealthDayNews, Dec. 1
Say What?: "Two Charged in Cutting Off Man's Ears Waive Hearing"--headline, Winston-Salem (N.C.) Journal (second item), Dec. 2
They're Tired of Bending Over Backward: "Theologians Ask Pope to Suspend Limbo?"--headline Reuters, Nov. 30
That Makes Him a Sad Panda: "Panda's Wife Files Case Against Him"--headline, Press Trust of India, Dec. 1
Persuade It That It's a Cat, and It'll Sleep on Its Own: "Deer That Thinks It's a Dog to Be Put to Sleep"--headline, Associated Press, Dec. 2
What Would We Do Without Experts?: "Experts See Frigid Days Ahead: Chilling predictions offered for December"--headline, Day (New London, Conn.), Dec. 1
You Don't Say: "Sunburns Less Common During Winter"--headline, Arizona Republic, Dec. 1  ¶ 8:57 PM

  More bad USB ideas...

Just what we all need: another useless USB peripheral. Actually, you probably could find this one useful, as opposed to this earlier post of a really goofy one...  ¶ 10:04 PM

  From James Taranto...

What Would Thieves Do Without Police?:"Vehicles Left Running Are an Open Invitation to Thieves, Police Warn"--headline, Minneapolis Star Tribune, Dec. 1
What Would Adolescent Brains Do Without Studies, Man?:"Heavy Marijuana Use Damages Adolescent Brains--Study"--headline, Reuters, Nov. 30
It's Light as a Feather!:"Justices Weigh Parental Notification Law"--headline, Associated Press, Dec. 1
Adeus, Brazil!:"Brazil Moves to Protect Amazon Tribe"--headline, Associated Press, Nov. 30
Messiah Averts Naval Battle:"Novi Sub Backs Off, Baby Jesus Stays Put"--headline, Detroit News, Nov. 30
'If I Told You You Have a Heavenly Body, Would You Hold It Against Me?':"Scientists Make Small Advances in Dating Moon"--headline, San Diego Union-Tribune, Nov. 29
What Would We Do Without Lloyd's of London?:"Lloyd's of London: Storms May Cause Loss"--headline, Associated Press, Nov. 30
You Don't Say:"Gravity Played Role in New Orleans' Bridge Failure"--headline, press release, University of Missouri-Rolla, Nov. 28
E.T., Téléphone à la Maison:"France Toughens Controls on Aliens"--healdine, Washington Times, Nov. 30
Cubic Zirconium Is Fragile:"Phony Marriage Ring Busted"--headline, FoxNews.com, Nov. 30
You're Fired At:"Next 'Apprentice' to Be Shot in Calif."--headline, Associated Press, Nov. 29  ¶ 9:35 PM