Let's make it two today...

Next Stop, the Senate
"Big Rig Plows Through House"--headline, KATC-TV Web site (Lafayette, La.), Sept. 20

Israel Got a New Haircut, Has Been Working Out
"Palestinian PM Won't Recognize Israel"--headline, Associated Press, Sept. 22

If You Can't Read This, Wait a Couple of Years

"N.Y. English Scores Drop Sharply in 6th Grade"--headline, New York Times, Sept. 22

"Reading Scores Rise for City's Eighth-Graders"--headline, New York Sun, Sept. 22

Don't They Also Run Big Companies and Vacation in Exotic Locales?
"Billionaires Only Occupy Forbes 400 List"--headline, Associated Press, Sept. 22

This Just In
"Autumn Arrives"--headline, Herald Times Reporter (Manitowoc, Wis.), Sept. 22

News You Can Use
"No matter your age, if you are reading this, you are growing older."--Al Neuharth, USA Today, Sept. 22

Thanks for the Tip!--CVI
"Health Tip: Rake Leaves Safely"--headline, HealthDay.com, Sept. 22

Bottom Stories of the Day:

"Police Do Not Investigate Info Leak Form Kubice's Report--Husak"--headline, Ceske Noviny (Czech Republic), Sept. 21

"Removal of Tree Is Approved"--headline, Times (Trenton, N.J.), Sept. 22

"Sheriff's Office Reports 'Uneventful' Night"--headline, Tallahassee Democrat, Sept. 22

"Rare Judicial Impeachment Hearing Ends With Little Action Taken"--headline, Legal Times, Sept. 22

"No News Here . . . Gates Still Richest"--headline, Seattle Times, Sept. 22

"Boise Woman Not Chosen as a Finalist for 'The Biggest Loser' "--headline, KTVB-TV Web site (Boise, Idaho), Sept. 21  ¶ 3:29 PM

  What would I do if I didn't have James Taranto to copy?

'Give Peace a Chance,' the a Capella Version
"Quartet Backs Palestinian Efforts"--headline, BBC Web site, Sept. 20

They're Relieved It Won't Be Sooner
"9/11 Workers to Be Autopsied When They Die"--headline, MSNBC.com, Sept. 20

The People vs. Sesame Street
"Lawyers Debate What Letter Comes After K"--headline, Concord (N.H.) Monitor, Sept. 21

Not Quite Living Up to the Hype
"Human Stem Cells Help Blinded Rats"--headline, Reuters, Sept. 20

The Evilmewers of al Qitty
"Man Jailed for Beheading Girlfriend's Kitten"--headline, CNN.com, Sept. 20

'Damn, This Thing's Heavy'
"Senate Weighs 700-Mile Fence Along Border"--headline, Associated Press, Sept. 21

News You Can Use
"Drivers: Don't Cross the Line"--headline, Herald Times Reporter (Manitowoc, Wis.), Sept. 21

Thanks for the Tip!--CV
"Health Tip: Be Careful Choosing Which Bleach"--headline, HealthDay.com, Sept. 21

Bottom Stories of the Day:

"McDonald's May Offer Breakfast Menu All Day Long"--headline, FoxNews.com, Sept. 20

"Nanticoke Officials Will Examine Their To-Do List"--headline, Citizens' Voice (Wilkes-Barre, Pa.), Sept. 21

"No Wedding 'Today' for Richmond Couple"--headline, Richmond Times-Dispatch, Sept. 21

"Dog Bites Woman"--headline, Des Moines Register, Sept. 21  ¶ 2:27 PM

  Taranto today...

Prisons Full Despite Crime Drop!
"Oil Prices Up Despite Cut in OPEC Output"--headline, Associated Press, Sept. 15

'Candygram, My Foot'
"Found: Shark That Walks on Its Fins"--headline, Sydney Morning Herald, Sept. 18

'Don't Give Me That Look, Popeye'
"Tainted Spinach Glance"--headline, Associated Press, Sept. 15

No Wonder Uranus Looks All Spruced Up
"Astronauts Put Final Touches on Solar System"--headline, Independent Online (South Africa), Sept. 15

And They Want to Make Sure You Know It
"Computers Are a Headline Generator"--headline, Richmond Times-Dispatch, Sept. 18

Bottom Stories of the Day:

"No Laurels for 'All the King's Men' at Festival"--headline, Reuters, Sept. 17

"Widow Rented Rotary Phone for 42 Years"--headline, Associated Press, Sept. 15

"James Keeping Job at Lowe's"--headline, Atlanta Journal-Constitution, Sept. 16

" 'Giving' Kiosk May Not Materialize"--headline, Herald-Sun (Durham, N.C.), Sept. 15

"Fall Is On the Way: Here's what you can expect"--headline and subheadline, Asheville (N.C.) Citizen-Times, Sept. 18

"Rainstorm Not Likely Here"--headline, (Tucson) Arizona Daily Star, Sept. 18

"Willie Nelson Cited for Drug Possession"--headline, Associated Press, Sept. 18

"Karl Rove Gets No Apology From Me"--headline, Bill Press column, Sept. 14  ¶ 5:04 PM

  Headlines from James Taranto...

What Would We Do Without Experts?
"Experts: Effect of Cohabitation Ruling Remains Unclear"--headline, Associated Press, Sept. 14

What Would We Do Without Former Teachers?
"Former Teacher: Sex With Pupil 'Really Bad Choice' "--headline, CNN.com, Sept. 13

¿Qué Haríamos sin Estudios?
"Study Says English Is Alive, Well"--headline, Houston Chronicle, Sept. 14

The Wet Look
"Ex-CIA Official Plame Sues Armitage in Leak Suit"--headline, Reuters, Sept. 13

Why Would They Need Help Floundering?
"Efforts to Help Obese Children Floundering"--headline, MSNBC.com, Sept. 13

He Wants a Jury of His Deers?
"Defendant Seeks Delay Because Deer Season Could Reduce Jury Pool"--headline, WPTY-TV Web site (Memphis, Tenn.), Sept. 13

Bottom Stories of the Day:

"Giant Spider Invades Tallmadge Family's Porch"--headline, Associated Press, Sept. 13

"Minister Advises Boy to Study"--headline, Mumbai (India) Mirror, Sept. 13

"BMW Proves to Be Sustainable Business"--headline, Greenville (S.C.) News, Sept. 13  ¶ 6:50 PM

  Daily dose from James Taranto...

Outsourcing an Inconvenient Truth
"Gore Calls on China, India to Tackle Climate Change"--headline, Agence France-Presse, Sept. 12

John Kerry on Holiday
"French Presidential Hopeful Tours the U.S."--headline, New York Times, Sept. 13

'Hang In There, Our Speeches Are Really Long'
"Cheney, Rumsfeld Call for Perseverance at Pentagon Ceremony"--headline, Agence France-Presse, Sept. 11

'Farsi It Is'
"European Nations Agree on Iran Language"--headline, Associated Press, Sept. 13

How Many Were Murders and How Many Suicides?
"2 Killed in Murder-Suicide at Prison"--headline, Associated Press, Sept. 11

The Campus Clinic Christmas Party Is Hereby Canceled
"Stanford Won't Let Doctors Accept Gifts"--headline, Associated Press, Sept. 12

Bring the Hoover Home From Herat
"Rice: Don't Leave Vacuum in Afghanistan"--headline, NewsMax.com, Sept. 12

Poor Hardest Hit Anyway
"World Doesn't End, Sect Upset"--headline, United Press International, Sept. 13

Bottom Stories of the Day:

"No News in McGavick's Divorce File"--headline, Seattle Times, Sept. 12

"Air Supply Will Be Back on Taiwan Tour Next Month"--headline, China Post (Taipei), Sept. 13

"Darien School Board Doesn't Decide on Lights"--headline, Advocate (Stamford, Conn.), Sept. 13

"Sharpton Bashes Bush in UF Speech"--headline, Gainesville (Fla.) Sun, Sept. 13

"Rumsfeld Criticized"--headline, Richmond Times-Dispatch, Sept. 13  ¶ 5:53 PM

  Headlines from James Taranto...

News You Can Use
"Heavy TVs Can Be Dangerous to Kids"--headline, ABCNews.com, Sept. 12

Rocket Science in the Service of Arithmetic
"Shuttle Brings Addition to Space Station"--headline, Associated Press, Sept. 11

If It's Free, Is It Still Prostitution?
"Richmond OKs Prostitution-Free Zones"--headline, Richmond Times-Dispatch, Sept. 12

Bottom Stories of the Day:

"No Brawl at Hunterdon Rivals' Game"--headline, Star-Ledger (Newark, N.J.), Sept. 12

"Former N.J. Governor Talks to Oprah"--headline, Associated Press, Sept. 12

"No One Injured in Apartment Fire"--headline, Houston Chronicle, Sept. 12

"Washington State Teacher Won't Shave Beard Until bin Laden Caught"--headline, FoxNews.com, Sept. 12  ¶ 8:38 PM

  Turkey fires are common?

Man starts fire by roasting bear
Friday, September 8, 2006

It's not a terribly uncommon event - someone leaves something in the oven, it gets a bit burny, and the next thing you know, a large part of their house is a smouldering ruin.

A Michigan man recently did just that, reducing his garage to ashes. The unusual part of the story is that he was trying to roast a bear.

It is not known exactly why Joe Gorzynski had decided to roast the bear. But doing so cost him his garage, his oven, his fishing equipment, his tools and a collection of animal heads mounted on the wall.

The bear also did not survive the conflagration.

The fire raged so strongly (bears are clearly a good fuel source) that it melted vinyl shutters and the siding of his neighbour's property.

Hamlin Fire Department chief Steve Vandervest noted that while fires caused by turkeys were relatively common, bears weren't. 'This was a new one,' he commented.  ¶ 9:14 PM

  Thank you, James Taranto...

What Would Many Do Without Studies?
"Study: Medical Instructions Stump Many"--headline, Associated Press, Sept. 6

Assault With a Dead Weapon
"Woman Found Guilty of Hitting Another Woman With Dead Puppy"--headline, Houston Chronicle (story from St. Louis Post-Dispatch), Sept. 7

Who Knew He Even Spoke Beinish?
"Katsav Won't Swear in Beinish"--headline, Jerusalem Post, Sept. 6

Now That They're Famous, They Just Eat Junk
"Stars Used to Rate Foods for Nutrition"--headline, Associated Press, Sept. 7

News You Can Use
"Parents Should Stay Involved in Kids' Education"--headline, Arizona Republic, Sept. 6

Bottom Stories of the Day:

"NASA to Decide When to Launch Shuttle"--headline, Associated Press, Sept. 7

"Arkansas Cow Has Fourth Set of Triplets"--headline, Associated Press, Sept. 7

"Bank of Canada Leaves Interest Rate Unchanged"--headline, CBC News, Sept. 6

"Karl Rove Won't Be Frog-Marched Across White House Lawn"--headline, FoxNews.com, Sept. 5  ¶ 5:44 PM

  Stop crime by throwing the scoundrel in prison!

Mich. Inmate Runs Identity Theft Scam from Prison Cell
September 7, 2006

Mich. Attorney General Mike Cox announced this week that Dale Morris, 42, an inmate at the Hiawatha Correctional Facility in Kinross, Mich., was sentenced to five to 20 years in the Chippewa County Circuit Court by 50th Circuit Court Judge Nicholas Lambros.

Morris was convicted of maintaining a sophisticated criminal enterprise that he orchestrated from his Michigan prison cell. Morris' scheme enlisted the help of two fellow Michigan inmates, Darius Moye and Richard Custer, their mothers, Mary Moye of Georgia and Linda Custer of Detroit, David Bullard of Inkster, and Sherry Drake of Detroit. The scheme involved the attempted use of thousands of stolen names and social security numbers, including several hundred stolen from the St. John's Medical System in Detroit, to defraud Michigan taxpayers out of hundreds of thousands of state tax dollars. The hospital records were later seized in Georgia in Moye's home.

"The sheer brazenness of this criminal enterprise is incredible," Cox said. "I want to compliment the Michigan State Police and the U.S. Postal Inspectors for their help in investigating this scam and completing the work before the state of Michigan lost any money. I also want to compliment St. John's Medical System for their cooperation and assistance in this investigation. The hard work and cooperation by all these offices helped keep our State's taxpayers from being defrauded out of hundreds of thousands of their hard-earned dollars," Cox added.

Morris, in prison as a 4th time habitual offender (convicted of 3 prior felony convictions), was the ringleader of the scheme to fraudulently obtain Homestead Property Tax refunds that were intended for low income renters. While in prison, Morris' directed his co-conspirators to file hundreds of false homestead property tax claims with the Michigan Department of Treasury. These fraudulent filings, which used stolen names and social security numbers, claimed to be low income renters in Detroit. Hundreds of Michigan Treasury check "refunds" were in the process of being sent to various addresses in Detroit, many of which were non-existent, but all had a change of address form filed with the U.S. Post Office directing the checks to a Livonia P.O. Box. Incredibly, the P.O. Box was rented by Exarch Management Consultants, - which was incorporated by Morris while he was in prison.

U.S. postal carriers noticed the large number of Treasury checks going to the Livonia P.O. Box and alerted authorities. The Michigan State Police, U.S. Postal Inspectors, and the Michigan Attorney General's Office unraveled the scheme quickly and charged all participants with Maintaining a Continuing Criminal Enterprise, a 20-year felony, and Filing False Tax Claims, a 5-year felony. When the defendants were arrested, thousands of additional tax claims were in the process of being filed. Had this fraud continued, the defendants would have defrauded the state of hundreds of thousands of dollars, according to Cox.

Source: Michigan Attorney General's Office  ¶ 4:00 PM

  James Taranto's headlines...

Someone Alert the Police
"Sexually Violent Predator Meeting Planned"--headline, Rocky Mountain News (Denver), Sept. 5

Sounds Like Entrapment
"Police Hoping to Expose Serial Flasher"--headline, KYW-TV Web site (Philadelphia), Sept. 5

He Won't Pay Till He's Sure All the Charges Are His
"Frist Still Seeks Internet Gambling Bill: Aides"--headline, Reuters, Sept. 5

Half of All Nonmigrants, Too
"Women 'Form Half of All Migrants' "--headline, BBC Web site, Sept. 6

'They Can't Even Pronounce Their L's!'
"US Envoy Says NKorea Talks in Bad Way"--headline, Agence France-Presse, Sept. 6

An Educated Guess: You Eat It
"Scientists Probe How Protein Staves Off Hunger"--headline, CBC News (Canada), Sept. 5

Just Don't Call Him 'Tiny'
"NAVAL BLOCKADE: 9 Warships Seal Off Sulu"--headline, Tempo (Philippines), Sept. 7

Bottom Stories of the Day:

"Man's Body Found in Des Moines Cemetery"--headline, Associated Press, Sept. 4

"Last First Day of School Not an Issue"--headline, Wausau (Wis.) Daily Herald, Sept. 6

"Albanian Hemp Growers See Project Threatened"--headline, Financial Times, Sept. 5

"Stingrays 'Not a Big Issue' in Delaware"--headline, News Journal (Wilmington, Del.), Sept. 5

"Congress Consumed by Politics"--headline, Associated Press, Sept. 5  ¶ 5:35 PM

  Got Taranto?

'He Tastes Like Chicken'
"US Urges People to Grill Visiting Former Iran President"--headline, Agence France-Presse, Aug. 30

You Don't Say
"Man Hurt in 4-Story Leap From Window"--headline, Toledo Blade, Aug. 31

What Would We Do Without Survival Experts?
"Leave Dangerous Animals Alone: Survival Expert"--headline, Sydney Morning Herald, Sept. 5

That's Even Harder Than Juggling Bowling Balls
"Singapore Military Juggles Ties With Taiwan, China"--headline, Reuters, Aug. 31

What Do Driveways Say to Parkers?
"Parkway to Drivers: Watch Road"--headline, Asheville (N.C.) Citizen-Times, Aug. 31

[Sex-Ed] for Dairy Farmers
"Data Key to Getting Cows Pregnant"--headline, Herald Times Reporter (Manitowoc, Wis.), Sept. 4

Just Feed Her Some Data and Let Nature Do the Rest
"Never Hug a Swiss Cow, Hikers Told"--headline, MSNBC.com, Aug. 29

Thanks for the Tip!--CI
"Health Tip: Angina Is Chest Pain"--headline, HealthDay.com, Aug. 31

Bottom Stories of the Holiday Weekend:

"Brno Hospital Director Burian Not Dismissed From His Post"--headline, Ceske Noviny (Czech Republic), Aug. 30

" 'No Signs' of China Trip by Kim Jong-il"--headline, Chosun Ilbo (South Korea), Aug. 30

"Jesse: I Don't Know if J-Lo Preggers"--headline, Daily Mirror (London), Aug. 30

"Queen Beatrix to Visit Estoni [sic] in 'Next Few Years' "--headline, Baltic Times (Riga, Latvia), Aug. 31

"Pope's Brother Doesn't Offer Advice"--headline, Associated Press, Sept. 1

"Dead Fish Found in Rock Creek"--headline, Washington Post, Sept. 1

"Missing Evidence Not Found"--headline, Clarion-Ledger (Jackson, Miss.), Sept. 5

"Castro's Health Not Top Topic at U.S. Base"--headline, Miami Herald, Sept. 5

"Atlantic City Official Admits Taking Bribes"--headline, Star-Ledger Web site (Newark, N.J.), Aug. 31

"UN Condemns Israeli Strategy as 'Immoral' "--headline, Financial Times, Aug. 30  ¶ 5:10 PM

  Darwin still in effect...

Thanks to CFIF.ORG for this gem:

Droopy Drawers Thief's Downfall

Loose, baggy jeans are credited with catching a would-be robber in Henderson, North Carolina. It seems that when 24-year-old Noah Donell Brown tried to jump over the counter of a Subway shop during an armed robbery attempt, his loose trousers tripped him up and he came crashing down in front of employees.

Brown then fled to a nearby residential neighborhood, with police in chase, only to get held up again. As he tried to climb a picket fence, Brown's pants got caught. Police, who found him dangling upside down, his pants at his ankles, had to cut him loose.

"He didn't make a good jump," said Hendersonville police Chief Donnie Parks, who spotted Brown on the fence. "The only reason we caught the guy was because his pants fell down," he said, adding: "He was wearing underwear, thank goodness."

Brown pleaded guilty to attempted robbery with a dangerous knife.

—Source: Wall Street Journal

  ¶ 9:23 AM

  The truth about advertising lawyers...

Definitely worth a look...  ¶ 9:16 AM